


casino game

by oh_la_fraise



Series: drum it all away [4]
Category: Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types, Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare, Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: 50/50 AU, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Cancer, F/F, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Major Illness, Marriage, Marriage Proposal, Trans Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-05
Updated: 2016-11-06
Packaged: 2018-08-13 05:31:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 31,371
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7964419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oh_la_fraise/pseuds/oh_la_fraise
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dr. Hwang is soft spoken and smiles a lot.  He has wrinkles around his eyes, and his coffee mug says world’s best dad.  His tie has fish on it.  Alec feels a little ridiculous; Dr. Hwang is one of the best oncologists in the state, but Alec can’t stop focusing on his stupid tie.  He wants to wrap Magnus in his arms and carry him out of there, find him a real doctor who wears a practical, solid tie instead of something a five year old gave him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So normally in authors notes, I make a joke, credit the song I used for the title, and get on my way. This fic is a bit different, however, and it has been a beast to write in more ways than one, so I figured it deserved a little bit more. 
> 
> So, first, the majority of this fic is loosely based on the movie 50/50—that’s where a lot of the cancer story is coming from, anyway—which, if cancer is a neutral topic for you, is a strangely fun, feel good movie. It’s not ~inspiring triumph~ cancer movie, so much as a realistic look at having a serious illness and the weird, sometimes funny things that come with that. I’m also a total sucker for physical hurt comfort, and I always felt bad for the JGL character in 50/50 and wanted him to have a supportive partner. 
> 
> So the second thing is that this a pretty personal story for me as well. My mom has been living for the past ten years with a very serious illness (although not cancer). While I won’t get into details, she recently had a major surgery that will hopefully make her a lot better, although we’re still in the wait and see stage of recovery, and she’s not doing so great at the moment, unfortunately. I process things through writing, but I’m not mentally ready to write about my personal experiences with her illness quite yet, so hence this fic which is distant enough to be comforting. It’s also why the majority of the fic is from Alec’s POV. I did my best to write Magnus’s perspective, but at the end of the day, all my experience is as a caregiver, and not as a patient, and I ended up cutting parts from his perspective because they felt really less genuine compared to Alec’s. I’ve hopefully incorporated enough of Magnus’s feelings and struggles from both his POV and through Alec’s eyes to make it feel real.
> 
> Finally, while I’ve done my best, most of the medical stuff is a combo of Dr. Google, things that happened to my mom (The PICC line, for example, something she had for awhile), and the stuff that happened in 50/50. I’ve tried to be as accurate as possible, but I most likely got a lot of it wrong. I also gave a lot of thought as to what their careers and personalities would be in a non-supernatural AU, and I went with what I thought would be a best fit for their personalities in the show, even though Magnus was literally Izzy’s lawyer and Alec was a party planner in the AU ep. I hope it works for everyone. 
> 
> This fic is about 80% complete; I still have some scenes to finish on the back end. I’m hoping to post a chapter a week—I think there will be about seven parts—but my job is going to be absolutely insane the next few weeks, so it may be a little bit delayed. I wanted to wait until I was completely finished before posting, but I think posting it will help me get a little motivation to finish it.
> 
> And now back to your regularly scheduled author’s note. This is the first time I haven’t actually used a song lyric as a title. “casino game” refers to when JGL tells Jonah Hill that his chances of dying are, well, 50/50, Jonah Hill says “That’s not bad! 50/50? If you were a casino game, you’d have the best odds!”

“Okay, Alec, _think._ You had it this morning; it has to be here somewhere. Pocket? Maybe I put it in my pocket. . .” 

“Um, I can back later if you’re too busy having an argument with yourself.” 

Alec whirls to see Lydia leaning in the door of their shared office. She’s smirking at him as he upends the suit pants he’d been wearing that day. He’s already changed in his tux, but his shirt is still hanging out. And—“I can’t find my bowtie. I _know_ I brought it with me this morning; I thought maybe I put it in my pocket. . .” 

She raises an eyebrow. “Did you check your tux pocket?”

He shoves his hand in pocket, feeling a piece of smooth silk. He yanks it out triumphantly. “Lydia, you’re a _genius._ ”

She smiles, walking into the office as Alec quickly ties his bowtie. “How do I look?”

“Like Magnus picked out your tux. So, nicer than usual,” she teases as she walks up and straightens his tie. 

Alec smiles. “Hey, I won’t even argue; I’ll take nicer than usual. As long as he thinks I look nice, that’s all that matters.” He pulls up his phone to order an Uber; the office is a walk to the train, and he doesn’t want to get sweaty in the scorching New York summer. He also checks for missed texts from Magnus, but he just has one from Jace that says _help how do i tie a bowtie._

_Google it_ he texts back, pocketing his phone. “I haven’t even talked to him today. He left before I was even up, and I think he’s been so busy he hasn’t been checking his phone.” His phone dings, signaling his Uber has arrived. “Well, gotta go.”

Lydia pats him on the shoulder. “Go get ‘em,” she teases as she walks back to her desk. Alec nods and bolts out the door.

He feels a little bad as he settles into the Uber, wondering if they should have invited Lydia. All of their other friends are coming tonight, after all. But they’d only just met when the invites went out, and he and Lydia had hated each other at first—two incredibly similar, competitive type A’s sharing a glorified broom closet was never bound to end well. Then they’d been put on a case with Bizarre Bob, and they’d become frenemies over their shared hatred of how stupid Bob was. From there they’d grown to like each other, somewhere in between Lydia accidentally telling a story of a horrible one night stand and Alec being late to work one day because Magnus’s hair straightener had nearly burnt their apartment down. 

Their friendship was solidified when they’d both learned of a bet in the office as to how long it would be before they slept together. He and Lydia, who was as gay as he was, had both put money in the pool on the sly, and they’d cleaned up big when he’d shown up to a company dinner with Magnus in tow. He’d chosen his current job out of many other offers because their firm was known for taking on progressive causes, and Alec hadn’t wanted a job where he’d have to talk about Magnus in gender neutral terms or worry about not showing up to a barbecue with a girlfriend in tow. Still, it was nice to not only be not hated at work, but to actively have people in his corner. 

His thoughts drift towards his boyfriend as they pull up to the Museum of Natural History. It’s still early and people are just beginning to arrive, but Alec wants to find his boyfriend before things get too busy and he’s whisked away. He walks down the honest-to-God red carpet, showing his invite to the guard already posted at the door. He walks through the doors into the Rotunda, where tables are glimmering with candlelight beneath the Dinosaurs. Waitstaff rushes around, and he sees a few Carol’s Kids staff wandering around as well. Naya, assistant director of development and Magnus’s right hand woman, goes past him, running despite the long gown and heels she’s wearing, and he grabs her arm. She whirls around, already speaking a mile a minute. “I’m sorry, sir, but if you can take your seat we’ll be beginning—oh, Alec.” She smiles at him. “You look nice.”

“Thanks, Naya. You too. Do you know where Magnus is?” 

She scrunches her nose. “Um, with the caterer, I think. I’m glad you’re here. Everything is fine, but he’s nervous.”  


He smiles, already walking in the direction she pointed. _Nervous_ is code for snippy with Magnus. “Well, I’ll go see if I can calm him down.”

She wiggles her eyebrows. “Don’t mess up that tux!”

He laughs as he walks across the hall, but then he sees Magnus, and his heart skips a beat. His boyfriend is in a shiny navy tux with black lapels and a black bowtie. His hair is spiked and shot through with streaks of navy barely visible in his thick dark locks, and his eyes are rimmed in silver eyeshadow and thick eyeliner. Even after dating for five years, he’s still the most beautiful thing Alec has ever seen.

“And Shannon Jenkins is a vegetarian now—it didn’t say so on her card; she just decided last week, so be sure to—Alec!” Magnus trails off as he spots Alec.

“Hi,” Alec says, not letting Magnus respond before he grabs his face and kisses him. “You look amazing. This,” Alec says, letting Magnus’s face go so he can gesture at the party beginning around them “Is amazing. I’m so proud of you.” 

Magnus blushes, something that happens very rarely. “Thank you.”

They chat for a bit, Magnus giving him the rundown on all of the city’s elite in attendance tonight before Jack pulls him away to address some crisis back stage. Alec watches Magnus go fondly, hair not moving an inch despite how fast he’s walking. Once Magnus disappears, he wanders to his table. The others have arrived already; Simon and Raphael are practically sitting in the same seat, Catarina and Ragnor are bickering animatedly, and Jace sits ignored as Clary and Izzy chat next to him. Magnus won’t actually be sitting with them as he’s the MC for the night, so Alec slides into the last empty chair next to his brother, who looks at him gratefully at no longer being ignored. “Hey, man, this place looks great. Magnus did an amazing job.”

“I know, right? So I see you finally figured out how to tie your tie.”

Clary pauses in her and Izzy’s conversation. “I had to tie it for him. I came home to him watching a Youtube video over and over again and took pity.”

Jace rolls his eyes, slinking down into his chair. Alec raises an eyebrow. “You are a _literal_ professional model. How do you not know how to tie a tie?”

Jace sighs. “For the _thousandth time,_ as I’ve told everyone here tonight, the designers never let me tie ties. They don’t let you touch the clothes yourself.”

“You could have worn a clip on tie!” Simon chimes in. “That’s what I did for my senior prom.” Even after all these years, Alec doesn’t know if Simon is really that awkward or if it’s just an act. 

They make quiet small talk and pick at their salads. The waiters serve the main dish—Alec had ordered the chicken, after a lengthy discussion with Magnus pacing their apartment, fretting over the menu—and the lights dim on cue. And Magnus takes the stage.

Even seeing him earlier, Alec loses his breath at how beautiful Magnus is. He seems to sparkle under the bright lights of the stage, and despite knowing how nervous he is, Magnus walks as if he hasn’t a care in the world. He approaches the mic as if he’s Johnny Carson himself. Jace squeezes Alec on the shoulder, rolling his eyes fondly; Alec realizes he’s grinning like an idiot. 

“Good evening everyone; thank you for joining us tonight. My name is Magnus Bane, director of development for Carol’s Kids and your host for the night. 

“Tonight, you’ll see performances from some of the many children Carol has helped over the years. Carol Lanzo took in a homeless teenage lesbian out of the kindness of her heart, and went on to found the first LGBT youth homeless shelter in the city, growing from a pair of bunk beds in her guest room into the thirty bed facility we have today. And tonight, with your generous contributions, we hope to expand even more.

“I’m proud to say I myself am one of Carol’s kids. I was disowned by my stepfather after he caught me making out with a boy at the age of 14. I spent three weeks on the streets before Carol took me in. It was there that I found my first family, where I learned to accept my bisexuality. With the support of Carol and the rest of the CK staff, I got my degree in business from NYU, met the love of my life, and am now working back at the place that saved my life.”

Magnus pauses, voice wet. Alec’s heart soars at his speech. As inspiring as it was, it had been highly sanitized for the upper crust crowd in front of them. Alec knows the truth. Magnus’s stepfather hadn’t just kicked him out; he’d beat the shit out of him while his mother watched. Magnus had spent a day in a boiling Brooklyn alleyway, vomiting with what, on looking back, was probably a severe concussion. When, eventually he’d become cognizant enough to start evaluating his situation, he hadn’t anywhere to turn. He’d spent three weeks stealing food from various bodegas around the city before he’d been caught, and a perceptive social worker had turned him over to Carol when he’d protested at being sent back to his parents. 

He’d been too old to be placed in foster care, so Magnus had spent the next four years of his adolescence living at the Caro’s Kids shelter. He became an older brother to a lot of the younger kids, and, finally in a place where he felt accepted, excelled at school. It had, Magnus told Alec, turned out to be the best thing that had ever happened to him. 

Looking at him now, Alec’s heart sells with pride at how amazing Magnus is. Despite every horrible thing that had happened to him, his boyfriend was one of the most kind and generous people he knew. Alec was so proud of him, and so in love with him.

He focuses back in on Magnus’s speech, where he’s introducing the first of the performers for the evening. All of the acts Magnus had booked for the night are local members of the LGBT scene who have agreed to perform for free. It’s a good deal for the performers: they got to put their name to a local charity, while also getting a ton of exposure. A few of the older kids from the shelter are even performing—in part to give them a chance to be a part of something exciting, and partly to not-so-subtly pull at the heart strings of all the rich donors in the audience. The evening passes in a whirlwind of song and dance, and before Alec knows it, the last act of the evening finishes. 

Magnus reappears and introduces Carol, who slowly makes her way to the mic as she leans on her walker. At 87 years old, she doesn’t have much to do with the day to day operations anymore, but she still makes appearances for things like this. Alec has met her several times with Magnus, but, despite her frailty, he’s still intimidated by her. She seems regal, like a queen, and she’s incredibly serious for someone who spent so much time with children. Although Alec had gotten the shovel speech from Raphael and Catarina and a few of Magnus’s other friends when they’d first become serious, Carol had never said a word. Alec knows, though, if he broke Magnus’s heart, it’d probably be Carol who actually made him disappear. 

Magnus kisses her on the cheek as he turns over the mic to her. She clears her throat and then begins her speech. It’s quick, but powerful; she recounts the day she started the shelter. By the time she finishes, there’s not a dry eye in the audience.

Magnus reappears, directing everyone to the ballroom for an after dinner cocktail reception. Alec girds himself, knowing that Magnus will stay to the very end to wheel and deal. They transition to the ballroom, where everything is glittering and beautiful. While he stands talking in a circle with Jace and Izzy and the others, he keeps an eye on the door. After a few minutes, Magnus appears, Carol on his arm. They’re immediately swept up by a crowd of elites wanting to rub shoulders and brag about how much they’re donating. Alec just laughs and turns back to whatever Catarina is saying; he knows he’ll see Magnus soon enough. 

They chat for a while longer before Magnus finally makes his way to them. Magnus is flushed, eyes glittering, and he’s grinning in a way that suggests he’s had a few glasses of wine. The group pats his back and congratulates him, but Alec just pulls him into his arms, kissing him soundly. He means to pull back, but Magnus follows him, pressing into the kiss as his tongue pushes its way into Alec’s mouth. Izzy wolf whistles, and Ragnor rolls his eyes fondly. “Honestly, Magnus, can’t you keep your hands off him for five minutes?”

Magnus pulls back. “Now where would the fun be in that?”

Alec beams at him, and kisses him again. When they finally pull apart, Magnus says “let’s go home.”

Alec raises an eyebrow. “You sure you don’t need to stay?”

Magnus sweeps his arm to the ballroom around them. “Most everyone of importance has left, and Naya can handle breakdown.”

“Okay.”

They meander towards the exit, Magnus stopping to chat with a few people as he leaves. He introduces Alec each time, but Alec mostly hangs back, content to watch his boyfriend work. Magnus comes alive at these kind of things; it’s exactly what he’s good at. Magnus is larger than life, and people are automatically drawn to him. He makes conversation with people easily, and by the time he’s done with them, they’re half in love. Alec knows that affect; even after five years together, he still feels a sort of worshipful devotion to Magnus that he doesn’t quite understand.

Magnus chatters a mile a minute when they finally get in a cab. He snuck out a few canapés, as he hadn’t had time to eat during the dinner, and he nibbles on them as he gestures wildly. “. . .And I’m not sure, but I _think_ she’ll be a sustaining funder, and if she does that than we can expand our art programs—“ He stops when he sees Alec staring. His face is flushed, and he’s bouncing he’s so hyper. “Sorry, I got carried away.”

“I love you so much,” Alec says helplessly.

Magnus smiles. Alec loves it whenever Magnus smiles, but this one is his favorite. It’s not the wide, polished smile he was giving donors earlier. It’s bashful, something Magnus rarely is, and completely genuine. “I love you too. Thank you for coming tonight.”

“I wouldn’t have missed it for the world.”

They spend the rest of the cab ride staring at each other goofily, because that’s just how being in love is sometimes. 

The driver clears his throat, and with a start Alec realizes they’ve arrived at their apartment. They slip inside, and the second they’re on the elevator—all alone, thankfully—Alec presses Magnus against the wall. Alec doesn’t kiss him, just takes a second to take him in. He can feel Magnus’s solid, warm body beneath his, can smell the rich scent of his cologne. He runs a hand through Magnus’s hair—one of his favorite things—and nuzzles his neck, breathing him in. Magnus obligingly tips his chin up, whining softly as he grants Alec access.

The elevator dings, and they stumble towards the door. Alec can barely get his keys in because his hands are shaking too bad; his skin feels like it’s on fire. 

They burst through the door, barely getting it shut before they’re on each other.

Church winds his way around Magnus’s ankles, and Magnus stumbles as he tries to avoid stepping on his tail. Church screeches and bolts away. “Ooh, my poor baby,” he coos, turning pulling away from Alec. 

Alec groans, pulling Magnus back into his body. Church has been a cock block since Magnus convinced Alec to adopt him. “He’s fine.”

“I want to make sure— _oh,”_ Magnus gasps as Alec palms his cock. “I’m sure he’ll be fine until tomorrow.” Alec grins, pushing him towards the bedroom. He makes sure to shut the door, hoping Church isn’t already in the bedroom and waiting to pounce. 

They’ve been together five years, through busy careers and family drama and fights. Yet they still act like teenagers having sex for the first time. He knows Magnus’s body better than he knows his own at this point, and yet they still find new ways to make each other sigh and arch with pleasure.

He forces himself away from Magnus long enough to ask “how do you want it?”

Magnus goes back in for a kiss before saying “I want to ride you. Get the lube?”

He nods, but instead of moving towards the bed, he unbuttons Magnus’s shirt slowly, kissing the golden skin as it appears. He peels Magnus out of his suit, and pushes him down onto the bed before grabbing the lube and joining his boyfriend on the bed.

He’s so wet he’s soaked his underwear before Magnus can pull them off. Magnus laughs, and Alec swats at him. “Shut up; you looked _really_ good in that suit.”

Magnus grins. “I’m right there with you, darling.” It’s true, his cock is arched towards his stomach and leaking at the tip. He slides two calloused fingers into Alec’s cunt as his thumb circles Alec’s clit. Alec moans, bucking his hips into Magnus’s hand. 

“I thought you wanted to ride me?” he asks, not that he’s complaining. 

“We’re not in a hurry,” Magnus says as he crooks his fingers, rubbing Alec’s g spot. Alec squirms his hips as Magnus keeps teasing him. Eventually, Magnus rolls on top of him and trades his thumb for his mouth, sucking hard on Alec’s clit as he continues to finger him. Alec’s back arches as he comes. 

“Oh my god,” he says, panting as he lays back. Magnus strokes his cock slowly, squeezing at the base. “You’re going to have to take care of yourself; I’m done.”

Magnus laughs. “Not funny.”

“I’m not kidding! I’m ready for a nap now.” But he’s grinning as he says, sitting up beside Magnus. He slides his hand under Magnus’s, stroking Magnus’s cock. Magnus whines.

He pulls out the lube from where it’s shifted under the covers and slicks up his hand. It’s quick work to slide a few fingers into Magnus, teasing as he just barely brushes Magnus’s prostate. When Magnus whines _Alec, Alexander, I need you,_ he wipes his hands on the covers and rummages around in their bedside table again until he returns triumphant with a condom and their favorite strapless strap on. 

He pushes it inside him, moaning at the girth. It had taken awhile to find one that worked for both of them—Magnus is a bit of a size queen, and most of Alec’s side of the dildo weren’t curved enough to hit his g-spot effectively. The only problem with this strap on is that, since it doesn’t have straps and is held in place by the clenching of Alec’s cunt, it’s hard to keep it in place and fuck Magnus at the same time when he’s so wet and slippery. But it’s perfect for him to stretch out on the bed like he is now as Magnus slowly sinks down onto it. 

And, normally, okay, this is like his favorite view in the world, okay? Magnus over him, rocking back and forth. But tonight, something is off. Magnus keeps wincing, like he’s in pain, and, okay, they had done prep pretty quickly, but after _five_ years together, they know each other’s general limits. Alec had fingered Magnus himself; whatever was bothering him probably wasn’t that. 

Still. “You okay? Do I need to stretch you some more?”

Magnus winces again, ceasing all movement. “I’m sorry—it’s just, my back—” 

Alec practically launches Magnus off of him, he sits up and pulls out so fast. Which. Probably not helping Magnus’s back any. “Jesus, why didn’t you say anything?” 

“We’ve barely seen each other this week. I just had the biggest night of my career, and I wanted to get laid by my incredibly hot boyfriend! I thought I could power through it.”

“Power through it—Jesus, Magnus, it’s still hurting that bad?” Magnus has been complaining about his back for weeks now. They’d assumed he’d pulled a muscle in the hip hop class he takes with Jace twice a week, but that had been a month and a bottle of doctor-prescribed muscle relaxers ago. 

Magnus shrugs. “It’s not that bad.” Alec glares. “Okay, it feels pretty bad. Let me pop a motrin and we’ll reconvene in five.” He shifts, sliding off Alec, but Alec rolls his eyes and pulls Magnus back on top of him, tossing the strap on aside and lowering them both to the bed. Magnus’s cock has softened; the mood is definitely gone. “You’ve been taking motrin for a month now. It’s time to go to the doctors for real.”

“Ugh, you know I don’t have the time for that, darling; now that the fundraiser is over the real work begins. Besides, they’ll just give me more painkillers. It’s just a strained muscle.”

“Magnus,” he sighs, frustrated. They bicker frequently, but in the five years they’ve been dating, they’ve had exactly two fights that Alec wasn’t sure their relationship would survive. One of those had been about Alec neglecting himself—and Magnus—because he was so wrapped up in law school. And while Alec has made sure to make Magnus is his top priority since, they’re both bad at letting work get in the way of other things. Alec gets how easy it can be to lose yourself in work; their relationship had survived three years of Alec in law school, and they both regularly worked 60 hour weeks. 

“ _Alec,”_ Magnus says, because he’s five. He sighs, flopping back on the bed, and winces as it jars his back. Alec gives him a pointed look and he huffs. “Fine.”

Magnus does eventually get up to take some aspirin, because his back is apparently hurting him bad enough to keep him from sleeping. Once he does, he drifts off quickly, exhausted by the day he’s had. Alec takes him in—Magnus is infuriatingly a morning person, so Alec rarely has the chance to watch him sleep—his golden skin free of make up, five o’clock shadow dotting his skin. Alec is so stupidly in love with him. 

Magnus dutifully reports to the doctor that week; Alec ropes in Naya to make sure he actually leaves the office. His doctor asks to do a MRI to make sure he hasn’t torn anything, and Magnus grumbles about it all the way through drinks with all their friends that night. “They think it might be a herniated disk,” he whines over a Cosmo.

Simon’s nose wrinkles. “Isn’t that something old people get?”  


“He is about to turn thirty,” Clary teases. 

Magnus throws her a very polished finger. 

The days pass quickly. Magnus has his MRI; Alec offers to go with him to the follow up in a week get the results, but Magnus waves him off, saying it’s not a big deal. And, honestly, it kind of slips Alec’s mind when Magnus doesn’t mention it. Magnus seems fine; the only time it comes up is when they have sex, which lately has been mostly oral and hand jobs in deference to Magnus’s back. They’re both incredibly busy—Magnus wasn’t kidding when he had said the real work began after the fundraiser, and Alec is beginning to really make himself a name at the law firm. Still, Alec can’t remember ever being this happy before. He has a man he’s stupid in love with, a job he’s passionate about, and great friends and family. 

He and Lydia really have become friends, so when Izzy shows up for lunch one day, he invites Lydia to tag along, and she accepts. Izzy and Lydia get along like a house on fire, and Alec almost feels like the third wheel in their animated conversation. Izzy tells them a completely disgusting story about an intern getting sprayed with ichor during an autopsy that morning, and Lydia howls with laughter as Alec loses his appetite. He clears his throat. “Can we talk about literally anything else?”

He regrets it as they turn their eyes on him in sync. “How is Magnus,” Izzy asks, fake innocent. “I haven’t heard any juicy details in awhile.”

Alec rolls his eyes. “I know you talked to him yesterday. He told me so.”

She waves her hand. “Okay, fine, I haven’t heard any juicy details from _you_ in a while.”

He blushes. He hasn’t actually told anyone this, but Jace and Izzy would be the first people on his list. And he doesn’t mind Lydia knowing. “Actually, I, uh, I’ve been looking at engagement rings.” 

Izzy squeals. “Oh my god, really?”

“We always said we’d wait until I was done with law school to get married, and, well, here we are.” He shrugs. “I just really want to marry him.”

He pulls out his phone to show them the ring he’s considering. Alec might wear the same mundane suits to work and jeans and t-shirts outside of it, but he’s not completely without style. More to the point, he knows _Magnus’s_ style, and this definitely it. The ring is a polished black metal with a silver band running through the middle. On top of the silver band is a row of diamonds, with a diamond that spans the whole ring at the center. 

“They make them custom, so I thought. . .I’d have them leave the main diamond out? Until we actually get married, I mean. So it would kind of be like an engagement ring? There aren’t really any helpful rules for guys getting engaged, so. And then I could do the same thing once he says yes. If he says yes.”

Izzy was smiling in a way that he’d long ago realized meant “you’re an idiot, but you’re my brother and I love you anyway.” She took his hand. “Alec, you’ve been together for five years, and he still looks at you like you hung the moon. You’re practically married already. Why _wouldn’t_ he say yes?”

He rolls his eyes at Izzy’s enthusiasm, but he feels a warm flush of happiness all the same. “Yeah? You think so?”

Lydia smiles. “I don’t even know him that well, and even I can tell he’s crazy about you.”

He doesn’t quite run from lunch to the jeweler’s, but he does place the order before he heads home, and he’s never quite felt so right. 

_Dinner?_ he texts Magnus a few days later as he starts to wind down. Neither of them have much talent or time to cook, so they eat a lot of take out and sandwiches. Magnus makes a lot of jokes about them being bachelor roommates, but he’s never made an effort to actually learn to cook, so Alec figures he’s not that upset about it.

_Handled,_ Magnus replies. 

When Alec gets home, there’s a tale-tale red bag from the Chinese place down the street; it’s Magnus’s favorite. “Bad day? What did Sarah do now? It must have been bad if you got dumplings and egg rolls,” Alec says, peaking into the bag. 

“Darling, you have no idea,” Magnus replies. He’s lying down on the couch, with his eyes shut. He looks tired. Alec leans over the back of the couch, nearly tipping it over, and kisses him on the forehead. “I’m sorry. C’mon, food’ll make you feel better, and then I’ll blow you after.” 

“Mmm, how can a boy resist that,” Magnus says, but he’s smiling. He pulls himself off the couch with a groan and drags himself to the kitchen. 

They shuffle around each other quietly, filling their plates up. The eat in silence, but, after five years together—living together for three—the silence is comfortable. Finally, Alec looks up. Magnus seems to be playing with his food. “So, tell me about whatever happened that made you so upset. Did the intern double book you again?”

Magnus hesitates. Instead of admitting to being stressed about funding or one of his kids at the shelter, he says, “do you remember the scan I had for my back?”

Alec’s vision tunnels to Magnus. Something uneasy stirs in his stomach. “Yeah?”

“Well, the follow up was today.”

“And? What’d they say?”

Magnus doesn’t meet his eyes. “Well, it turns out it is _not_ a herniated disc. It’s, um, cancer.”


	2. Chapter Two

There’s a thousand things on Magnus’s mind as he walks into the doctor’s office.He has to prep for a funder’s meeting this afternoon, and there’s a board meeting in two days that he still has to finish a powerpoint for.He’d almost canceled his appointment today to work on it instead, but, well, he’d promised Alec, and Naya would surely rat him out. 

Besides, as much as he is loathe to admit it, he’s hoping the doctor can give him some painkillers or something to fix his back, because it’s really starting to hurt.

He sits in the waiting room, thumbing through his email and trying to avoid the hacking toddler running unsupervised in front of him.It takes entirely too long for them to call _Magnus Bane,_ and when they do he practically runs, eager to get this over with.He goes through the usual pre-check up rituals: weigh in (he’s lost _two_ pounds, thanks dance class), temperature (normal), blood pressure (also normal).The nurse confirms he’s in for a follow up to an MRI, and leaves.He kicks his feet like a little child off the exam table as he waits for the doctor. 

He’s seen Dr. Lynden since he was in college.She’s a no nonsense woman who looks like she’s never had fun in her life.Magnus doesn’t particularly like her; he just comes to her because he’s too lazy to find a new doctor when he sees her very rarely anyway.When she comes in today, she looks an extra shade of constipated, and Magnus wonders what cute puppy or other joyful thing pissed her off today.

“Your scans came back abnormal,” she says without so much as a hello. _Herniated disc,_ he thinks. Great.He can’t wait for the old man jokes.“You have atumor on your spine.We believe it’s cancer.”

Once, when he’d been young and stupid and still learning his limits, he’d passed out for a minute binge drinking at a party.He’d woken up a few minutes later, no one around him any wiser, but feeling shaken and like he’d missed something very important.

The feeling is similar now. 

From a distance, he realizes Dr. Lynden is still talking. _Follow up with an oncologist to discuss treatment. . .most likely chemo and surgery. . . as soon as possible. . .good chance of survival. . ._

He snaps back at that.“What is _good?”_

Her face contorts in a way that Magnus thinks is supposed to be sympathetic. “You’ll have to follow up with the oncologist, but with your type of cancer, the survival rate is usually fifty percent.”

Fifty percent.Which meant there was also a fifty percent chance that he could die. 

He feels oddly detached, walking out of the doctor’s office.He automatically gets on the train towards home, and nearly misses his stop because he isn’t paying attention.He shuts the door to their apartment behind him and sinks down onto the couch, burying his head into Alec’s suit coat that hadn’t been hung up.Magnus had been too excited to pull him into the bedroom when he’d gotten home yesterday, and they’d both forgotten about it in their hurry to leave this morning.It smells like Alec: spice and evergreen and something distinctly Alec. 

Magnus is still clutching the fistful of pamphlets the doctor had shoved at him, and as he scatters them on the coffee table he thinks absentmindedly that he needs to enter his appointment with the oncologist later in the week on his calendar.Thinking on his calendar makes him realize he as a meeting with the Rosdens about their potential sustaining donation, and for a moment he thinks about all the work he’s put to get this face to face meeting.He should go back to work and greet them; they could provide a lot of money to the Center.But the thought of having to smile and gladhand makes his stomach lurch instead of the thrill it usually gives him. 

_Can you handle the Rosden meeting today?_ he texts Naya. _Going to be out for the rest of the afternoon._

_???_ Naya responds immediately. _You’ve been working on getting them to come in for months.Are you okay?_

_Fuck,_ he thinks.She knows he was going to the doctor today—damn Alec and his meddling.He feels an irrational sense of anger, because she knows something’s wrong—although, it’s not like he can keep this secret, can he?He’s going to have to duck out of work for appointments, and he’s going to lose his _hair,_ and—

Magnus takes a deep breath. _Please._ He texts. _We’ll talk tomorrow._ Tomorrow.He’ll figure out his game plan tomorrow. 

_Okay._

He reads the message before pulling up his contacts.His finger hovers over _bae <3_and, god, all he wants is Alec to hold him right now.But something stops him from hitting call.

Alec will find out soon enough, and, once he does—everything is going to change.Magnus can give him the small mercy of finishing his workday pouring over contracts and throwing paper balls at Lydia before he turns his world upside down.

He watches the clock wind down absentmindedly.When it gets close to six, Alec texts him about dinner, and Magnus orders from his takeout place on automatic.Maybe his favorite food will make him feel better.He sweeps the pamphlets under the couch, hiding from sight as he thinks how to tell Alec. 

He decides to go for casual.If he can convince Alec this isn’t that big of a deal, then maybe he can convince himself.Besides, he knows Alec will worry—he’s never been so certain of anything as how much Alec loves him—but he doesn’t wantthis consuming Alec and Alec torpoeding his life over this too.

Judging by the way Alec turns white and drops his fork at the words _cancer,_ his attempts at casualness fail.

Magnus continues on as if they’re discussing the weather.“They made me an appointment with an oncologist to discuss treatment Thursday.Dr. Lynden can’t order treatment, of course, but she seems to think with a few chemotherapy treatments, I’ll be fine.”He leaves out the part about fifty percent chance of survival; no need to bring that up until he talks with the oncologist. 

“Do you know what time?” Alec’s voice sounds strangled.“I need to know so that I can get Lydia to cover for me.”

He waves his hand, forcing himself to be casual.“Don’t worry about it.I don’t want you to miss work.”

“Magnus, I want to be there.I don’t care about work.”Alec’s voice clearly says _you idiot._

“Alec.” He sighs.“I don’t want this to make our lives any different.”

Alec stares at him incredulously.“Magnus, it’s _cancer,_ not a new pant size.Our lives are probably going to be different.”

He rubs his head tiredly.“Can we just. . .not talk about it tonight?We don’t know how bad it’s going to be.My appointment is Thursday, and we can talk with the doctors then about what it will look like going forward.” 

Alec nods slowly, picking up their plates.Magnus snatches his away, going to dump his uneaten food into the take out containers; he won’t stand for Alec coddling him.Alec rolls his eyes but doesn’t argue, and for a moment, things feel normal.They do the dishes in silence; Magnus dries as Alec washes, just like every night.When everything is put away, they sit on the couch together, not saying anything.Magnus leans into Alec’s warmth, and Alec’s arm slides around his shoulders.Alec reaches for the pamphlets, and he reads each of them slowly and thoroughly, as if there will be a test.His big law school brain at work, Magnus thinks.Magnus flips on the TV, halfheartedly watching an episode of TMZ.It feels like a distant echo of their normal life; everything almost perfect and yet so utterly wrong.Finally, Alec puts down the pamphlets on the table and sighs.“Your appointment is Thursday?”

“At 10:30, yeah.”

“I’ll be there.And then we’ll talk about what we’re going to do after.”

~

“Hey can you cover for me Thursday?I have a doctor’s appointment.”

Lydia looks up from her desk, startled at Alec breaking the silence.“Sure, everything okay?”

“Yeah,” he says.“I think I’m just coming down with something.” Alec feels uncomfortable as he lies.Magnus doesn’t anyone to know until they see the oncologist, and while Alec understands, it feels awful to bottle up such a terrible secret. 

“No problem.We’re going to be consumed with the Wiler case the next few months, so addressing it early is probably smart.”

Tuesday and Wednesday pass in tense silence.Neither of them discuss what’s happening, but any attempts at normal small talk falls completely flat.For the first time in a long time, Alec feelsout of sync with Magnus, and he hates it. 

  
Thursday comes soon enough, and Alec slips out of the office to meet Magnus outside of the local hospital where the doctor is.Inside, the oncologist’s office is falsely cheerful.A giant aquarium takes up most of one wall, and everything else is muted blue and cheerful sunny yellow, as if not having the walls beige would make people forget they have cancer.Everyone sitting in the small waiting room is quiet and pensive; Alec imagines he and Magnus look the same.A few people have shiny bald heads, and Alec thinks about how much he loves running his fingers through Magnus’s hair.Such a small but important thing.He laces his fingers with Magnus’s as they wait.

Dr. Hwang is soft spoken and smiles a lot.He has wrinkles around his eyes, and his coffee mug says world’s best dad.His tie has fish on it.Alec feels a little ridiculous; Dr Hwang is one of the best oncologists in the state, but Alec can’t stop focusing on his stupid tie.He wants to wrap Magnus in his arms and carry him out of there, find him a real doctor who wears a stupid, solid tie instead of something a five year old gave him.

He bites his tongue, and squeezes Magnus’s hand harder.Magnus squeezes back. 

Dr. Hwang explains their plan for Magnus’s treatment as slowly as he apparently does everything else.He explains exactly what _neurofibrosarcoma_ means as if they’re both stupid.Alec can read Latin fluently; he can figure out what root words mean, thank you very much.He explains that they’ll do a round of chemo to try shrink the tumor before they operate, that there will probably be an operation (someone is going to cut Magnus’s back open _oh god),_ that _you’re in good hands and we’ll take care of you._ He’s so nice.Alec wants to punch him.

Alec asks a million questions, while Magnus remains mostly silent.The only thing Magnus asks is “will I be able to continue working?”

Dr. Hwang’s face does that weird smile again.“Everyone’s reaction to treatment is different.You’ll have to judge on how you feel, and make that decision for yourself.”

As they go, Dr. Hwang hands them a number of print outs.Magnus looks at them like they’re a snake, so Dr. Hwang offers them to Alec instead, face not losing his creepy smile.“This is obviously an emotional experience.We have a number of wonderful therapists and support groups at the hospital; you might benefit from them.”Alec takes the pamphlets gently, and they walk out into the lobby.

When they leave the hospital, Magnus’s favorite fro yo chain is directly across the street.It seems like a sign, so Alec tugs him gently, and Magnus, for perhaps the first time in their relationship, follows without argument.Alec watches him as he puts chocolate chips on his peach yogurt—a truly bizarre combination, but Magnus’s favorite—and they settle into a semi-private corner, knees pressing against each other’s under the table.

“Dr. Hwang was nice,” Magnus says.It’s the first time he’s spoken to Alec since they left the doctor.Alec bites his tongue, about to say how weird and fake he found him.Magnus liked him, and that was all that mattered. 

“Yeah,” Alec says instead. 

There’s a moment of silence, and then Magnus says, “I want to keep working.”

Alec hesitates.Magnus’s job is a big part of who he is, and quitting work would probably devastate him.Still, Alec wants Magnus to focus on getting better, and he can’t see how stressing out about work will help that. 

Magnus must sense what he’s thinking, because he says, “I’m not even sure I could get enough time off without quitting altogether.We’re not big enough for FMLA, but I think I could take the time off if I need to; I could try for the same rules we use for maternity leave.”

“After all you’ve done for them?They’d better let you take off.”Alec can’t see Dante, Carol’s Kids executive director, firing Magnus because he needed time off for _chemo._ Dante loves Magnus, thinks of him as a mentee, and even if Dante hated Magnus he’s smart enough to realize that Magnus is the main reason they’ve had such a huge spike in donations in the last few years.Even in the non-profit world where people trend young, Magnus didn’t get to be the head of his own department through nepotism.And even if Dante decided to get rid of Magnus, Carol would step in and put a stop to that.She may not be involved in day to day decisions anymore, but she’s still president of the board. 

But Alec knows it’s just a deflection; Magnus wants to keep working because he loves his job.Anything else is just a side show. 

“Besides, I won’t be able to draw a salary, and we need the money,” Magnus continues.

“Don’t worry about the money.”

“You know this will be expensive, even with insurance.”Alec sighs, knowing Magnus is right. They both have the cheapest plans their employers offer; after all, they’re young and rarely have healthcare expenses other than their yearly check up.They have a joint savings account that’s painfully thin; Alec is making decent money now, but a non-profit salary and three years of law school debt don’t leave for a large rainy day fund, even without factoring in the insanely expensive cost of a one room apartment in Brooklyn. 

“Why don’t you take it day by day for now?” he offers.Trying to get Magnus to quit work so Alec can swaddle him on the couch is a losing battle, and he knows it.“We’ll see how you feel once chemo starts and go from there.”Magnus nods.“Have you thought about how you want to tell people?”

“We’ll have to tell everyone, I suppose; I don’t think we can get away with keeping it a secret.” 

Alec blinks.He hadn’t even imagined they would _try_ to keep it a secret. It’s the difference between their backgrounds, Alec supposes.Magnus appeared to be an incredibly open person, but that openness was armor for him.Magnus was open about his sexuality partially because it was hard to hide with the way he dressed and his make up, but partially because it was a big fuck you to everyone who had ever harassed Magnus for it.He was defiantly open, projecting a very carefully crafted image. Magnus didn’t have a problem with being selectively truthful to people who weren’t Alec, and rarely let people know what he was truly feeling.Whereas Alec wore his heart on his sleeve. He told Magnus and Jace and Izzy everything, because he wanted them to know everything, wanted them to commiserate and comfort him just as he comforted them.Hiding his gender identity from his family had been the hardest thing he’d done in his life, and he’d failed spectacularly at it, because at the end of the day, Alec was a really bad liar.

“I don’t think that’s the kind of thing you would want to keep a secret,” he finally says.

Magnus shrugs, stirring his yogurt.“I don’t want people treating me differently or pitying me, like I’m weak or _sick._ Even if I am.The second I start telling people I have cancer, they’ll start looking at me differently.”

“It’s not _pity,_ Magnus,” Alec says.He’s never understood how Magnus can care about people so deeply and yet reject any sort of affection towards himself.“It’s concern, because people love you and want you to be okay.”

Magnus waves a hand dismissively.“Whatever the reasoning behind it is, I don’t like it.I just want to be normal as long as possible.”He pauses.“I guess things aren’t really normal right now, though; are they?”Alec doesn’t respond; he knows Magnus didn’t intend for him to.“Right.I’m supposed to have lunch with Ragnor and Catarina Saturday; I’ll tell them then.As for the rest of our little group; I’m sure we’ll have dinner with them soon enough.Everyone else, we’ll just take it as it comes.”

They finish their yogurt in silence and head back to their apartment.Neither of them talk much for the rest of the afternoon, and when either of them do, it’s not about the elephant in the room.Now that they have a game plan, neither of them are keen to bring it up the c word.

After Magnus has fallen asleep, he slips out of bed and goes to sit on the couch.He opens up his laptop, googling _neurofibrosarcoma._ He reads about side effects, the mechanism behind the disease, everything he can get his hands on.Against his better judgement, he clicks on the survival tab.The words _fifty percent_ flash on the screen ominously.He tries to imagine a life without Magnus hogging the covers or slipping him silly little letters in his brief case.

Overwhelmed, Alec shuts the laptop.

~

A few days later, Clary texts everyone to arrange a dinner that night,and they decide it’s the perfect time to tell everyone.Magnus and Alec practice what they’re going to say; Magnus goes so far as to write it down, nose scrunching adorably as he figures out what exactly he wants to say. 

Everyone is wrapping up dessert, and Clary has a bright look in her eyes that clearly says she’s about to say something, and that something is probably akin to _Thanks for coming; now, let’s all go so Jace and I can go home and fuck each other stupid._ Which, to be fair, is what usually he and Magnus do after these gatherings, so he’s not judging.Still, he pinches Magnus on the thigh as Clary opens her mouth so that they don’t miss their window.

Magnus clears his throat, cutting off whatever Clary is about to say.“Alec and I have something to tell you all,” he says hesitantly.Alec squeezes his hand in support.Izzy squeaks, obviously looking at their intertwined hands; Alec feels a rush of guilt.Clearly she thinks this is about to be a very different sort of announcement.

“Right,” Magnus continues; he’s seen where Izzy’s looking, and he’s thrown too. “Well.I had a doctor’s appointment about my back a few weeks ago, and the results were less ideal,”he gets back on track, walking through their carefully planned speech.Alec isn’t looking anywhere but at Magnus, who is staring at his half eaten dulce de leche, but he can feel the others stiffen around him, clearly realizing this isn’t an engagement announcement.“I have a cancerous tumor in my back,” Magnus says _cancerous_ quickly, as if he says it fast enough no one will hear him, or, better yet, that it won’t be true. “I start chemo next week, and it will last for about four months.The doctors are optimistic that, with the chemo, I’ll be fine, so there’s nothing really to worry about.I just might not be able to drink or join you all for lunch as much anymore, and I didn’t want you to think I was becoming boring,” Magnus jokes.It falls flat.The table is silent around them, and Alec looks away from Magnus to see all of their friends staring at them in various states of horror.

“So. . .you have _cancer,”_ Simon says slowly, voice breaking on the word cancer.

“Yes,” Magnus says.

That breaks the damn, and everyone bursts into questions all at once.Jace is telling them how sorry he is, Izzy is asking if there is anything she can do, and Raphael is muttering _Jesus, Magnus, only you_ which fails to cover how concerned he looks.Clary, to Alec’s alarm, bursts into tears.Magnus looks at him, clearly overwhelmed, and Alec clears his throat, trying to gain control over the volume.“Guys,” he says.No one hears him.“ _Guys,”_ he fairly shouts this time, and this time everyone falls quiet, except for Clary, who is still sobbing hysterically.

Jace pats her on the shoulder ineffectively.“Sorry,” he says distractedly, “it’s the pregnancy hormones.”

His eyes widen, and Clary _finally_ stops crying, eyes wide as well.She turns slowly to look at Jace, glaring.“You _idiot,”_ she hisses, going from devastated to furious incredibly quickly.She hits him on the arm.

It’s Izzy that breaks the silence this time.“Voy a ser una tia?”she asks breathlessly. 

“Si,” Clary confirms.“I’m about three months along.We were going to tell everyone today, but. . .”She looks up at Magnus and Alec, tears still glistening in her eyes. 

Magnus waives his hand.“I’m glad you told us, biscuit.We should be celebrating.Another one round of mimosas, please!” He shouts at the waiter.“And a regular orange juice as well,” he says, nodding towards Clary.

Magnus, Alec can tell, is glad to have the attention off of him, even if it won’t be long before the shock of Clary and Jace’s news wears off and everyone remembers the bombshell Magnus just dropped.Alec isn’t sure how he feels about the announcement.Clary and Jace have been on and off several times over the years, and while he’s always felt they’d stick together in the end, he isn’t sure how the baby will impact that.It’s exciting to think he’ll be an uncle, and Clary and Jace will both be great parents—he can’t think of someone more meant to be a dad than Jace, except for maybe Magnus.And that’s where—no matter how petty of him it is—the jealousy comes in.Because he and Magnus have been through so much, and they’d finally reached a place in their lives where they were both ready to start their lives.They should be succeeding in their careers and getting married and thinking about starting a family, not going through chemo before either of them turn 30. 

~

The last people Magnus tells are those in his office, and by that point he’s desperate to get it over with.His lunch with Catarina and Ragnor had gone less than spectacularly; Catarina had reacted with the gentle sympathy that only nurses possess, but Ragnor had more than made up for that with his absolute hysterics.Telling Raphael and Alec’s side of their friend group had gone about as well; _Simon_ was texting him all the time now, and they had said about three words to each other prior.

He knows Naya has a suspicion something is wrong; he’d told her he’d merely gotten a migraine the day of the Rosden meeting, but she works closely enough with him to know that he’s been off his game lately. Still, he sets up a meeting with Dante and Carol first to give them the respect of being the first in the office to know.The air is tense when he settles in a seat across from them.

Dante stares at him.The staff jokes about Dante’s big brown eyes being puppy like; Magnus knows Dante uses them to his full advantage, but he still can’t help but squirm facing their soulful sadness.Dante purses his lips.“Please don’t tell me you’re going to quit.”

He laughs.“No, nothing like that.I just have cancer.”

Dante and Carol stare at him for a moment longer.Dante clears his throat.“Please tell me you’re joking and that you’re just going to quit.”

Carol shakes her head.“Magnus.”She pauses.“How bad?”

He grimaces.Carol, as much as he loves her and thinks of her like a mom, is sparse with words, always getting straight to the point.“It’s . . .not great, but it’s not a death sentence, either,” he says, slipping into the speech he had practiced in the mirror so many times after Alec had fallen asleep.“I plan to continue working, though, so no worries there.I just wanted you both to know because I’ll have to be out some for chemo.”

They hesitate, looking at each other, before Dante speaks slowly.“Carol, jump in if you disagree, but—Magnus, you don’t have to work while you’re doing treatment.It won’t be easy, but we can find a way to get by without you for a little bit so you can focus on getting better.”

He hesitates.“Maybe down the road, but for now, I just want everything to be normal as possible.”

Carol nods.“Well, tell us if you need to readjust.”And that’s why he loves her.She won’t argue with him, just let him take care of himself.“Do you want to tell Naya and the rest of the development team?”

He grimaces.He doesn’t want to tell _anyone,_ doesn’t want this to be happening.“I’ll talk to Naya individually.After that, we’ll pull Sarah and Jack and Jennifer in; tell them all at once.”  


They nod, and spend the rest of the meeting strategizing about what things will like going forward if and when Magnus has to take a break.Dante squeezes his hand as they leave, and Magnus can’t help but flinch, the pity making him nauseous despite that he knows it’s coming from a good place.After giving himself a break to spin in his office, he brings Naya in to tell her.She cries a little, and Magnus feels incredibly uncomfortable as he ends up patting her on the shoulder.They talk about how to tell the rest of the team, which goes about as well as expected—i.e., completely terribly.Jack just keeps saying _bro, that sucks, bro,_ and Sarah babbles.Jennifer, their intern, just looks uncomfortable—he can’t imagine she envisioned her summer in New York going like this.He sends them all away after a bit, sighing as he rests his head on his hands. 

He’s exhausted when he finally gets home, sick of everyone treading around him and treating him like glass.He scowls when he sees Alec’s jacket on the couch; his clothes never seem to make it to the closet.He picks up Alec’s coat to hang it up—Alec is the neat one among them by far, but Magnus takes care of clothes, even if its as boring as Alec’s suit—and he feels something lumpy in the pocket.He frowns, sticking his hand into the pocket, and pulls out a black velvet ring box. 

His breath catches. Alec has been shifty the last few days; he can’t keep a secret to save his life, but Magnus had assumed it was something to do with the cancer.Not an engagement ring.He supposes it could be something else, but Alec doesn’t wear jewelry himself, and while he regularly buys Magnus necklaces and earrings, he knows each of the rings Magnus wears has a special meaning, and he wouldn’t buy Magnus a ring unless he was planning on Magnus wearing it for a very long time. 

He looks at the box, considering.He doesn’t want to open it, because it feels, frankly, like a bad omen. 

Magnus wants to be married to Alec more than anything; he’s known that pretty much since they met.Even after Camille shattered his heart, Magnus didn’t think it was possible to feel the way he does about Alec.Because unlike Camille, Alec loves him _back_.It’s in every kiss, every time he brings Magnus flowers or jewelry, or asks Magnus about his day.Alec supports and loves Magnus as he is, with all of his flaws.Magnus had been wanting to look at rings himself; it had been one of the things at the top of his list to do after the fundraiser before he’d gotten sick.Magnus wants nothing more than to spend the rest of his hopefully very long life with Alec.

But, as much as we wants to be married to Alec, he doesn’t want it to happen like this.He doesn’t want the cancer forcing them to get engaged; the cancer would be a specter over their entire relationship, and he can’t imagine the pitiful looks he would get introducing Alec as the _fiance_ of a man with cancer.And being engaged would mean a wedding—Magnus wants to enjoy planning his wedding, not have to worry about juggling it with chemo.

Just then, the door from the bedroom opens, Alec walking out.Their apartment is small—they’d only moved out of a studio a few months ago—so there’s no way for Magnus to hide what he’s holding.“Hey, I thought I heard you—“Alec pauses, paling as he sees what’s in Magnus’s hands. 

Feeling shaky, Magnus shoves the jacket and the box at him.“I didn’t—didn’t open it.I haven’t seen it.”

“Oh,” Alec says, taking the box.His voice is hoarse.“That’s—that’s good.I was gonna—I wanted to do something big.”

“Oh,” Magnus says, not knowing what to say.

Alec sits it down on the coffee table gently, before reaching out to Magnus.He strokes his face.“Magnus, I bought it before you got sick.You know that, right?I didn’t get it because of that; I’ve always wanted to marry you.”

He nods, leaning into Alec’s hand.It still amazes him how well Alec understands him; how he knows just what to say.“I know,” he reassures his tongue.“Is it okay, though, if we wait awhile?”He asks quietly.“I just. . .with everything going on right now. . .I want it to be a happy time in our life.Not. . .taken over by this.”

Alec nods.“Of course.Whatever you want.”

Magnus blinks at him.“You’re sure?”

“Of course, Magnus.I’m not going to force you to get engaged to me.What kind of proposal would that be?”

Magnus presses their foreheads together.“I love you so much.And I do want to marry you, you know.So badly.I just want to wait until all of this is over.”

Alec nods, kissing him softly.He’s kind enough not to point out that the cancer might end Magnus instead. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't sleep tonight, so here's a very brief next chapter. Thanks to everyone who has commented and left kudos! While I always appreciate them, as I've mentioned before, this story is very personal to me, so they really mean a lot for this story.

The first day of chemo comes quickly. A few days before, Magnus has a central PICC line placed that will last the duration of his chemo so that he doesn’t have to deal with his veins being ruined from IVs constantly being placed.Alec watches uneasily as they thread the IV into his arm and up into a vein near his heart.Alec has always been delicate when it comes to medical stuff.Even after a decade on T, he still can’t look when he administers his shots, and he’d been queasy every time he'd looked at his healing chest after his top surgery.They take Magnus for an X-Ray to make sure the line is placed correctly, and Alec quietly has a panic attack in the waiting room bathroom.It’s an incredibly benign procedure, but it sets him off on a spiral of _what ifs_ that echo until the X-ray is done and he forces himself calm before he sees Magnus.Magnus seems unbothered by it all; when he returns from the Xray, he acts like he’s just had a flu shot, and not a catheter placed in his heart to funnel poison more effectively.

Three days later, they walk into the hospital for Magnus’s round of chemo.They’re the youngest people in the room by far—the peds unit is in another sister hospital altogether—but Magnus seems undeterred as usual. There’s been a fragile silence between them since Magnus found the ring box; Alec understands why Magnus said no, even if he doesn’t necessarily agree with it, and he knows Magnus loves him more than anyone else on earth.Magnus wants to marry him, just not right now, and for a perfectly good reason that has nothing to do with Alec.But no matter how much Alec tells himself that, he’s still painfully aware of the fact that he had proposed, however bungled, and Magnus said no.Alec knows he’s being ridiculous, but he can’t help but wonder if he had done something differently, Magnus would have said yes, cancer or no. 

Magnus settles a few seats down from a gaggle of gossiping old ladies, and Alec drops beside him, squeezing his hand.The room smells chemical and oddly metallic in a way that he’s come to associate with hospitals.The nurse comes by to set up Magnus’s IV, and as she walks away it’s oddly peaceful, as if there’s not toxic medicine flowing into Magnus’s veins in a desperate attempt to keep him from dying.

One of the older ladies squints at Magnus suspiciously.“You’re awfully young to be in here.”

“ _Margaret,”_ one of the others whispers scandalously.They remind him of the plastics from Mean Girls.

Magnus grins at them winningly.“I could say the same about you lovely ladies.None of you look a day over 35.”It’s a blatant lie; they’re all obviously on the wrong side of seventy, grey hair and wrinkles galore.

Still, they all laugh, taken in like everyone else by Magnus’s charm.The one that had hit Margaret on the arm sighs dramatically.“All the charming ones are always gay,” she says,nodding at Alec’s hand wrapped around Magnus’s.

Magnus laughs.“Actually, my dear, I am fabulously bisexual.If this one hadn’t snatched me up already, you would most certainly be in the running.”

The old woman blushes, laughing embarrassedly.The third woman lets out a loud cackle.“Oh, I like this one,” she says loudly.“I’m Esther.These two are Margaret,” she gestures at the squinty one, “and your girlfriend here is Judith,” she finishes, nodding to the woman Magnus had flirted with. 

“Charmed.I’m Magnus, and this,” he lifts his hand with Alec’s, “is Alexander, my own personal Cary Grant.”

Alec blushes, waving to them shyly.“Hi.”It always makes him squirm, how casually Magnus refers to him like that. 

“I see you making eyes, Esther; unlike me, he is completely gay and completely mine, so don’t get any ideas.” 

Esther cackles loudly.“Oh, this is going to be fun.So, what’re you in for?”

“Back tumor,” Magnus says casually.“You’ll have to ask Alec for the full name; he’s the one with the brains between the two of us.”

“Lungs,” Esther says.“Take it from me and don’t smoke, no matter how cure the boy offering you the cigarette is.”She frowns.“Back cancer, huh.Must make it hard to fu—”

“ _Esther,”_ Margaret whispers, horrified.Judith is as red as Alec feels.

Magnus just laughs.“Darling, you have _no_ idea.That’s actually what clued us in that something was wrong.”

Alec buries his head in his hands, groaning.

The rest afternoon goes similarly; Esther and Magnus chat and tease each other while Judith and Alec blush horrifyingly and Margaret glares at everyone.Despite her comments earlier, Judith is actually married; her husband turns up halfway through her chemo.He’s a big, jovial man with a thick southern accent who introduces himself as Larry to Magnus and Alec; he quickly finds out Alec is a Columbia alum—Larry is retired but teaches a few classes to the business school in a few times—and draws Alec into conversation.The afternoon passes quickly, all things considered, and before he knows it they’re on the train on their way home.Magnus seems a little pale, but he’s in good spirits, and Alec falls asleep thinking things will be okay. 

He wakes suddenly a few hours later. He’s been tossed aside violently, and he hears Magnus running towards the bathroom. He’s going to be pissed if Magnus woke him up to pee.Then he hears Magnus retching, and for a moment his blurry brain thinks _what did we drink last night?_ And then he remembers.

He slides out of bed slowly and heads to the kitchen, filling a glass of water.He takes his time, knowing Magnus doesn’t want an audience from too many drunken benders.When he finally makes his way to the bathroom, Magnus seems to be mostly done.He’s leaning against the toilet, eyes shut and face pale.Alec sets the glass of water on the counter and squeezes his neck as he grabs a washcloth to run under the tap.He sets the cool washcloth on the back of Magnus’s neck, and his boyfriend moans.“Well, this sucks,” he says needlessly, turning to look at Alec.His eyes are bloodshot.

“Yeah,” Alec says.“You want some water?”

Magnus waves at him.“I don’t think I’m done yet.You go back to bed.”

“I’m not leaving you in here by yourself.”

“We both have to be up early tomorrow; one of us might get some sleep, at least.”

He sighs.Magnus is going to try to go to work still, apparently.“I’ll bring a pillow in here, then. You really think I can sleep when you’re sick?”

Magnus sighs too.“Why do you have to be so goddamn stubborn?”

Alec, deliriously tired and sick of fighting with Magnus, sticks his tongue out at him.“I know you are, but what am I?”

Magnus stares at him a moment before sagging, letting out a quiet laugh.“ _Fine.”_ Alec, knowing that Magnus is no longer annoyed with him, slides against the cabinet next to Magnus.He has to squirm to make himself comfortable in their tiny, cramped bathroom.Magnus shifts, dropping his head into Alec’s lap, and Alec automatically runs his fingers through Magnus’s hair.He wonders absentmindedly how long they’ll have this small connection. 

Alec drifts a little until Magnus bolts up to retch again.After that, he stays slumped against the toilet for awhile before shakily standing up.“I think I’m done for now,” he says, wetting his toothbrush under the tap.As he brushes his teeth, Alec slides his arms around Magnus’s waist, propping his head on his shoulder.“I love you,” he says, needing Magnus to hear it as much as he needs to say it.

Magnus squeezes his hand in response. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Camille, Robert & Maryse, and a hat.

The Plastics, as Alec has taken to calling them, have completely adopted their circle of friends in the week and a half Magnus has been undergoing chemo.Today, Judith made cookies, and the three of them watch carefully as Izzy and Magnus chew on them.They’re sugar and kind of bland; Izzy looks less than impressed, but they taste heavenly to Magnus.Lately, he’s felt nauseous all the time, and his normal diet of spicy, flavorful foods has had him dry heaving.

He smiles at Izzy.“Thanks for coming, Isabelle.I know it must be hard to miss work.”

Izzy shrugs, pulling out a Cosmo.“Eh.It’s not like they’ll be less dead when I get back.”

He giggles.One of the perks of dating Alexander, out of the many, is that, Alec’s parents aside, he generally loves Alec’s family.Izzy and Jace are both dear friends to him, and it constantly amazes him that Robert and Maryse managed to raise three smart, funny, and loving children. 

“There’s a new necklace collection being released at Hollande’s Thursday night; do you want to go?Alec will just complain we can’t afford any of it if I take him.”

“Mmm, I would love to, but I can’t,” Izzy meets his eyes over her magazine and wiggles her eyebrows.“I have a _date.”_

“Ooh, who with?”He loves gossiping with Izzy about her love life. 

“A very beautiful and intelligent woman.”

“Ah.A very wise decision.I would know, dating two of the three,” he teases. ”

Izzy’s nose wrinkles.“She actually reminds of Alec a lot.I try not to think about it too much and not make it weird.”

He laughs.“I don’t think that’s weird.You naturally want to date people who are similar to family members you love.You and I are a lot alike as well.”

Izzy smirks.“Actually, I think you and Jace are more alike.”

“Isabelle Lightwood, you take that back!” he laughs, swatting her with his book.“But if you’re comparing me to physically to a male model, I’ll take it.”

“Male model?” Esther perks up, not even pretending not to listen from several seats away.

Magnus heads back to work after.He’s starting to figure out that the nausea doesn’t hit him until several hours later, so he has a small window of time where he can be productive.As much as he hates to admit it, the chemo is cutting into his ability to function more than he ever expected it would.His head is already pounding, and he wants nothing more than to take a nap. When he gets to the office, he can’t focus on anything. He’s looking at their budgets, the people he needs to email, and he just. . . can’t.

So he sneaks out early and goes shopping. 

He doesn’t really have money to spend, but if there was ever a justification to spend beyond his means, cancer is probably it.He fingers a green tie that would look gorgeous with Alec’s hazel eyes, and picks up a pair of boots for himself.And, as he’s trying to decide if he can pull off a Bolero hat, Camille appears, because that’s how this day is going to be.

Even after all this time, his heart beats a little faster at the sight of her.He’s long over her, and what he feels for Alec eclipses what he ever felt for her, but he still was in love with her once, and he can feel it echoing through his body, along with the heartbreak she’d caused.She’s still one of the most beautiful women he’s ever known, looking elegant in an emerald sheath dress and sharp black pumps.And she knows exactly how beautiful he finds her—she twists her body to make it as appealing as possible as she strides up to him.

“ _Magnus,”_ she pouts, “I heard you have cancer; I’m so sorry.”The words sound sincere, but the tone is anything but.She’s practically smirking as she eyes the hat he’s holding. 

“Thank you,” he says cautiously, wanting to be anywhere but here.How had she even found out?

“And your poor boytoy.You don’t have any money; won’t be much of a sugar daddy with your looks gone, will you?”

And, ah, there it is.He’s almost grateful for it; he doesn’t know how to handle her attempt at being nice anymore. He’s never understood what he did to make her so cruel so needlessly—she had broken up with him, after all.Refusing to take her back, he supposes. 

“Camille,” he says.He puts down the hat and the boots and pivots towards the exit, not wanting to get in an argument with her.“Lovely to see you, as always.”

She smiles.“You seem to think he loves you so much more than I did; let’s see how long he stays when he has to clean up your vomit and hold your hand when you cry from pain.”

He pauses, and then continues walking.

The conversation haunts him all the way home.Magnus knows Alec won’t leave him.Camille was right about one thing; Magnus _knew_ Alec loved him.But that was the problem, wasn’t it? Alec was a caretaker.Magnus has barely started chemo, and already Alec was running himself into the ground, trying to balance his job with being at Magnus’s doctors appointments and managing Magnus’s chemo treatments and not sleeping because he’s too busy comforting Magnus at night when he’s wracked with nausea. 

Magnus hasn’t been able to stop thinking about the big _what ifs_ since his diagnosis _._ What if the chemo doesn’t work?What if it does work, but the tumor wrecks his spine and leaves him paralyzed?He knows he’s slipping into a dangerous place, and he’s losing his ability to do all of the things that make him _Magnus._ But. 

Alec is already nearly killing himself trying to take care of Magnus physically.How much more will it exhausthim if he has to bear Magnus’s emotional grief as well? 

Keeping a secret from Alec feels wrong.That’s not the kind of couple they are.But if he can hide how awful he feels, how _scared_ he is, maybe it will make things just a little easier for Alec.

~

Despite a late night fighting with post-chemo nausea, Magnus is, as usual, up before Alec drags himself out of bed swearing at his alarm. Magnus apparently powers through the day fine; they text each other frequently, and he seems mostly fine if a little tired when they finally both make it home.They’re making dinner—just simple sandwiches—when Alec’s phone rings. _Mom_ the id flashes. 

“She’ll just call back if you don’t answer,”Magnus cautions, bumping his hip.Knowing he’s right, Alec sighs, thumbing the accept button. 

“Hi mom,” he says, trying to sound cheerful.

“Alec, it’s been awhile,”she says.It sounds like bland conversation, but he can read the scolding motherly tone beneath it. _Why haven’t you called me lately?_ He tries not to sigh again.

“How are you?” he asks politely instead.

“Busy, as always.I have the Finnegan trial next week.” His mother is a New York Assistant District Attorney, and she’s been angling to become the DA since Alec was born.She’s close to getting it, too.He has a love hate relationship with her career; she was rarely home when they were children, but she had introduced him to his love of the law—she’d scared him away from prosecution, though.

“You’ll be great,” he reassures. 

“Mmm,” she hums.She doesn’t need the reassurance.“You’re siblings are joining your father and Max and I for dinner Sunday.Will you and Magnus be coming?”

“Uh,” he pauses.They haven’t told his parents about Magnus’s illness.“Let me ask him.”

He mutes the phone and looks at Magnus, who is shamelessly eavesdropping.“Dinner with my family Sunday?” 

Magnus scowls.“I suppose we might as well get it over with,” he says, echoing Alec’s thoughts.

He nods, unmuting the phone, and confirms with his mother that they’ll be there.

_Do we coordinate the news??_ Jace texts later in a group message with Magnus, Izzy, and Clary.Maryse must have called right before she called Alec. 

_Maybe_ , Clary responds. _Which 2 drop 1st?_

_Pregnancy, I think,_ Magnus sends.Alec, his head resting in Magnus’s lap as Magnus plays with his hair, isn’t entirely sure where his phone even is, so he lets Magnus respond for both of them. _The cancer will distract them.They’ll be mad at both, but even they can’t blame me for this._

He wants to protest, but.Magnus probably isn’t wrong.The Lightwood oligarchs are notorious for not reacting well when things deviate from the plan.When he’d asked to go by Alexander instead of Alexandra, when Jace announced he was dropping out of his competitive engineering program to pursue modeling, when he and Izzy had come out.His parents have never been fond of Magnus and all of his intensity, but, after five years, they’ve become accustomed to him.They also have to admit grudgingly that Magnus is incredibly successful—he has his MBA from NYU, after all, and he’s really made a name for himself with his work for Carol’s Kids.If Magnus had been a girl (or Alec was still pretending to be one), they’d probably love him.Clary wasn’t so lucky; a starving artist who got by as a barista did not impress Maryse and Robert Lightwood.They blamed her and Jace’s fiery on and off again relationship for Jace dropping out of school.Knowing that she was pregnant out of wedlock wouldn’t help. 

_“_ You don’t have to go,” he cranes his head up as he looks at Magnus.“I can handle telling them.I know my parents can be a lot to handle on your best day.”

Magnus shakes his head.“Nonsense. Your father may even feel sorry for me, and who am I to pass up that potential bonding moment?The cancer will be worth it if it finally gets your parents to like me.”  


Despite himself, Alec laughs. “You’re awful.And they don’t. . . hate you, which is pretty good for them, considering.”

Magnus hums.“Mmm, high praise.” 

Sunday arrives quickly.He and Magnus coordinate with the others on how best to minimize the damage, and Alec absentmindedly wonders what it’s like to be a part of a family where you don’t have to strategize how to tell good—or, at least in the case of Magnus’s cancer, inoffensive—news. Honestly, they all probably would have cut out their parents a long time ago, but Max was still in high school, and not seeing Maryse and Robert also meant not being able to see Max. 

Magnus doesn’t seem nervous at all, and while he usually takes things in stride, he seems to be handling his diagnosis with a calm that’s almost disturbing.Alec is worried he might be depressed, or even in denial—he’s going about his life like normal—but, for the first time since very early in their relationship, Alec isn’t sure how to talk to him about it.He’s worried that either Magnus generally is taking it in stride, in which case Alec will feel like a dick for trying to get him to feel more upset about having cancer, or he really is upset and trying not to let it break through, in which case Alec will really be a dick for disturbing his boyfriend’s coping methods.

The night of dinner, Alec puts on his best black suit and a solid color tie; Magnus dresses colorfully as always, but he also concedes to a blazer and a pair of not-skin tight pants.It’s unspoken that _dinner with the Lightwoods_ is an occasion for your Sunday best.They walk up the stairs to the Lightwood’s impressive brownstone slowly; the Lightwoods have very strict rules about giving money to their children, wanting them to prove themselves.Alec can appreciate that, but it always makes his and Magnus’s tiny one bedroom apartment—which they’d just moved into out of a studio a few months ago—feel extra small after visiting the huge house he grew up in.

Maryse greets them at the door, pressing a kiss to both of their cheeks before leading them to the dining room.Izzy is already there, and she looks relieved to see them from where she’s making awkward small talk with Robert.She gets up to hug them and, unlike with Maryse, it feels genuine. Max appears a few minutes later, clad in all black; he’s in the middle of his emo high school phase.Still, he hugs his siblings and Magnus, albeit after a little prodding, and Alec considers it a win. Clary and Jace arrive shortly after, and they all settle down to dinner.

They all mutually waited to delay their announcements as long as possible, but their first challenge comes when the waiter—a family as rich as the Lightwoods always has meals catered—starts pouring wine.Neither Clary or Magnus are supposed to be drinking, and both of them have always drank—maybe a little too much—around Maryse and Robert.Clary looks at her glass like a snake has bit her, but she lets the waiter pour; Magnus, however, waives him off.“Just water for me,” he says.

Maryse raises an eyebrow.“Becoming a teetotaler, Magnus?”

He gives her a tight smile.“Just trying to cut back, is all.”  
  
His mom looks like she’s about to say something else, but thankfully Izzy comes to their rescue.“I had an article published in this month’s _National Forensics Journal_.”

“Izzy, that’s great,” Jace exclaims.Jace is the only one in their family besides Izzy who’s even remotely STEM inclined; the rest of them are all in business or law except for Clary. 

“Wonderful, Isabelle,” Robert says.The others murmur their congratulations. 

“And are you celebrating on your own?” Maryse asks, with her usual ability to ruin the mood.“Or should we be adding another chair to the table?”Since Magnus and Clary seem to be permanent fixtures in their lives, Maryse has turned all of her hopes on Izzy that she’ll marry a respectful, straight partner.

“There is someone,” Izzy admits.Magnus had mentioned off-handedly that Izzy had mentioned a date at chemo, but Izzy had been unusually tight lipped.“But it’s early still.I don’t think she’s quite ready for the Lightwood special yet.”

Maryse visibly deflates at the mention of _she._ They eat in silence for a bit.

When the tiramisu is served, Jace clears his throat.Alec thinks about the dinner when they’d told everyone about Magnus’s cancer; they’d been nervous, sure, but they hadn’t had to brace themselves for an _annoyed_ reaction.“Maryse, Robert, Clary and I have some good news,” he says.

Robert grins.“Oh?”

Jace nods, smiling bravely.“Clary’s pregnant.”

His face falls.Maryse frowns, but before she can speak, Clary butts in.“I’m about three months along.We don’t know the sex yet.”

“That’s. . .oh,” Robert says.Maryse is breathing heavily through her nose. 

“Unfortunately, Magnus and I have some bad news that bookends that,” Alec says, transitioning into his part seamlessly before his parents have a chance to say anything else. Maryse and Robert swivel in sync to stare at him. 

“What,” Maryse’s words are short, “do you think is _bad_ news?”

“Well, I have cancer, so.Pretty bad.”Magnus says, voice fake light. 

They blink.Max gasps rather comically.The room is otherwise quiet; whatever Robert and Maryse had been expecting, it probably hadn’t been that.

“Magnus,” Robert says.“I’m so sorry.”And the thing is, he actually looks it.It’s weird, but the c word seems to garner weird reactions in people.No wonder Magnus doesn’t want to tell people. 

“Thank you, Robert.”

“How bad is it?”

“Well, I’ll have a few months of chemo, and we’ll revaluate from there.The doctors are cautiously optimistic.”

“Well, if there’s anything we can do, let us know,” Robert says.Maryse nods, and although she still hasn’t spoken, the offer catches Alec by surprise.He knows, objectively, that his parents love him.As much grief as they’d given him when he first came out, they’d still let him go on T as he hit puberty.But it’s the kind of love that comes with strings and the expectation that he reciprocate by meeting their high and rigid expectations.It’s why he’d been so taken aback when he’d first realized he and Magnus were in love: Magnus loved him no matter what he looked like, or what his job was. All Magnus wanted was to be loved and supported in return.

Dinner wraps quickly after that; everyone seems eager to have it over with.Maryse and Robert don’t say anything else about the cancer, but they also don’t say anything about the baby, much to Clary and Jace’s obvious relief.MaxWhen they finally escape, the five of them huddle at the entrance to the subway.“That went. . .not completely awful,” Izzy says cautiously. 

They all hug and head home, glad to have survived. 

~

The next few weeks pass slowly.Magnus has chemo twice a week; he insists he’s fine going alone, but someone is always there with him.Thursday is supposed to be Clary’s day, but Alec feels a pressing desire to be there himself.So he tracks Lydia down at lunch and asks “Hey, can you cover for me?I have an appointment I can’t miss.”

Lydia watches him carefully, pursing her lips.Finally, she says, “are you looking for a new job?”

He stares at her.She continues, “You’ve been having me cover for you a lot lately; I thought it could be interviews.Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone if it is.”

He shakes his head.“God, no, nothing like that.I promise, I’m not going anywhere.”

“Okay, I believe you.But are you sure you’re okay?”He hesitates, and it must be obvious, because she continues“You know what, I’m sorry; I overstepped.It’s none of my business.” 

He closes his eyes, breathing slowly.Alec appreciates Lydia a lot; he has a lot of people in his life he cares about, but Lydia is one of the few that’s completely grounded and calm. He focuses on that as he says, “Magnus has cancer.” 

Her face softens.“Alec, I’m so sorry.” 

Apparently how sick of those two words he is shows on his face, because Lydia continues “I know that doesn’t mean anything.”She bites her lip. “My fiancé died my senior year of college. Car crash; it was quick. Everyone kept telling me how sorry they were, and I just wanted to scream at them that it didn’t help.”

Alec has no idea what to do with this information.Lydia has told him often enough about her crazy adventures in dating, but she’d never even so much as hinted at being engaged in the past. “Lydia, I’m sorry.” He laughs ruefully.“I guess it’s instinct.”

“Don’t be; it was a long time ago.But if you need anything, I’m here, okay?”

“Thanks.” He squeezes her shoulder.“If you could keep covering for me while I’m with him at chemo, that’s a huge help.He has it twice a week, but I’m not going to go every time; our family has been great about going with him.Jace is actually with him right now.”

“Huh.I wouldn’t think Jace and Magnus would be all that close.”

“I mean, Jace would do it for me regardless, but they’re actually weirdly good friends.Jace is always smuggling Magnus free samples of clothes and makeup from work, because Magnus has champagne taste and beer money, and he and Magnus take a couples hip hop class together.Magnus tried to take me, but I have two left feet, so he kicked me out and brought Jace in instead.They love it.”

“That must be a sight.”

“Yeah.”His grin fades.“They’ve had to stop, since Magnus got sick.”

Lydia places a hand on his arm.“I’m sure he’ll be back before you know it.”

He smiles.“Yeah.”At least he hopes so. 

~

“Magnus, are you ready?” Alec yells later that afternoon as he tugs on his jeans.They’re supposed to meet the others for dinner, and they should have left ten minutes ago.Alec had to work late, and when he had finally made it home, Magnus had been curled asleep in his armchair, Church asleep in his lap.Alec had been reluctant to wake him, but he knew Magnus wanted to see everyone, and his boyfriend had still been in sweats and no make up.All Alec had to do was change clothes, but it always took Magnus forever to get ready.

Eventually, Alec heads into the bathroom to see what’s taking so long.Magnus is staring at the mirror, and there was a fairly large clump of dark hair on the counter.

Alec pulls out his phone andshoots Izzy a quick text: _go on without us—probably not going to make it.Cancer thing._ Tucking his phone into his pocket, Alec approaches Magnus slowly.His boyfriend’s face is blank, but his body is trembling—Alec can see it from here.He spins Magnus around slowly, making him break his gaze at his reflection in the mirror, and pulls Magnus into his body. As his arms wrap tightly around Magnus, Alec is suddenly glad he’s bigger than Magnus, and he wishes he could engulf Magnus completely and block the world out. He settles his chin on Magnus’s head, where, heart sinking, he sees a not insubstantial bald spot.Magnus shakes in his arms.He’s mostly quiet, but his breath hitches as if he’s trying not to cry. 

“You’re okay,” he says into Magnus’s head. 

Magnus never quite cries; he continues shuddering for awhile before he eventually pulls back.He sniffs.“I should finish getting ready—I think I have a fedora somewhere I can wear, althoughit might look less Sinatra and more mouth breathing virgin—“

“Hey,” Alec says, not letting him go, “why don’t we stay in tonight?”

Magnus shakes his head.His eyes are red. “I’m not letting this win.” 

“I know you’re not, but there’s no shame in taking it easy for a little while.”

Magnus pulls away completely, and Alec’s arms ache with emptiness.Magnus walks back into the bedroom, Alec trailing helplessly as he watches Magnus root around in their dresser.Eventually he finds the hat he’s looking for, and he stares at Alec.“Call an Uber.”

When they get to the restaurant, everyone seems shocked to see them, but Magnus acts as if everything is normal.Izzy, eyeing Magnus’s hat, plays along, and Alec is so grateful for his sister.Halfway through dinner, Magnus makes a face at a little girl walking by, causing her to giggle.Alec can’t believe how, even now, Magnus can be so kind.

_Please, don’t let me lose him,_ he thinks. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Join me on Tumblr! ](http://ohlafraise.tumblr.com/)


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A haircut and realizations.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for brief homophobia.

Magnus makes it almost a month and a half before he finally admits he’s doing more than harm than good by continuing to work.He can’t look Alec in the eye over dinner as he admits he’s going to take leave once the week over.Carol’s Kids holds a very special place in his heart, and Magnus prides himself, more than anything, on the work he’s accomplished working there.Somehow, admitting that he can’t keep up at work feels more shameful and scary than telling Alec he had cancer did.

Alec just kisses him softly.“Whatever you need, I’m here.”

On his last day (“I’ll be back in a few months,” he reassures everyone, over and over again”), the CK staff throw him a party.The reason is a little morbid, he supposes, but he appreciates it all the same.If he can ignore the ever-present nausea in his gut, everything seems normal.Naya tells dad jokes, and Jack lurks in the corner with his phone.Towards the end of the night, Carol pulls him aside and pushes an envelope into his hands.

He opens it slowly, and nearly drops it when he sees the check inside.“Carol . . .” he trails off.“I can’t accept this.”

“I want take no for answer, Magnus,” she says in her no-nonsense tone before softening.“Even if you’re grown up now, you’re still my child.”

He sniffs, dangerously close to crying.Magnus pulls Carol into his body, squeezing her bird-like fragile bones carefully. 

A few days later, Magnus sighs, staring at himself in the mirror as he cards his fingers through his remaining hair.It’s gotten patchy enough to the point where he looks a little crazy.Church stares at him, and Magnus glares back.“No commentary from the peanut gallery,” Magnus says.“Or I’ll do you next.” He feels a little silly talking to the cat, but Church apparently takes the hint, because he flounces off. 

Magnus sighs again, picking up the electric razor and turning it on. His hair is already half gone, so he’s really only hastening the inevitable, but he still winces as the first clump falls to the counter. 

When he’s done, he looks at himself in the mirror.He’s been feeling sick even before he started chemo, but now, staring at his bald reflection, is the first time he _looks_ it.He looks away, and heads into the living room, looking for his laptop.He’s running out of room for all the hats he’s been buying.

By the time Alec makes it home, Magnus has been on Pinterest for an hour and made a trip to Michaels.He’s bent over a set of brightly colored head wraps, painstakingly applying rhinestones to them.“Um, hi?” Alec asks from the doorway.

“Alec!” Magnus exclaims, putting down his tweezers and glue.“I had the most wonderful idea,” he says, moving over to kiss his boyfriend.“All of the hats that fit my head seem to geared towards people whose idea of style is wearing backwards baseball caps, so I’ve decide to make my own line of head wraps.”

Alec scrunches his nose, like he’s not sure what Magnus is talking about but is amused by it anyway.“Great?Whatever you want.” He squints at Magnus.“You shaved your head.”

“Nothing gets past you, darling.”Magnus teases, moving back towards his scarves.“I was tired of having male patterned baldness, so I went ahead and did the deed.”

“Do you want me to shave my head too?”Magnus looks up at Alec, startled.“You know,” Alec continues, blushing, “in like a show of solidarity.Like in all the movies about kids with cancer and stuff.”  


Magnus laughs.He can’t help himself; he has to go back and kiss Alec again.His boyfriend looks completely serious about his offer.“Darling, as much as I appreciate the gesture, you’re the whitest Latino boy I’ve ever seen; there’s a chance you’d end up blinding everyone.Besides, even as handsome as you are, I’m not sure you could pull off the bald look, so you’d just be hurting me regardless.” 

Alec grins at him.“I think you look pretty good.Even bald.”  


“Well, no one has ever argued that love makes you blind.” 

~

On Friday, Alec decides to start date night early. He and Magnus have a standing rule that Friday nights are _their_ nights, just the two of them.No work, no friends.They normally go out, but since Magnus got sick, they’ve been staying in lately.His taste buds aren’t up for adventurous food, and he likes to be home in case he gets sick from chemo. They’re just having movie night tonight, but Alec is looking forward to it.He stops by a flower shop on his way; he considers the red roses for a minute, but hydrangeas are Magnus’s favorites, so he picks a big bundle of blue and purple ones.Their fluffiness reminds him of Church. 

When he finally makes it to the hospital, he sees Larry talking animatedly into a phone by the entrance.He’s there nearly every time Judith is, and with his big and loud personality, it’s impossible not to like him.He hangs up as Alec approaches.“Sales,” he says, rolling his eyes.“I’ve been retired ten years and they still harass me about where their shipments are.”He spots the flowers in Alec’s hand.“Ah, young love; how I remember it well.”  
  
Alec laughs, raising an eyebrow.“You don’t bring Judith flowers anymore?”

“Psshaw.I bring her her reading glasses.Way more romantic.”They stand there in comfortable silence before Larry continues, “it’s not fair, y’all having to deal with something so awful so young.It’s not fair to any of us, but.Judith and I have had fifty years and five grandkids together.You boys are just starting out.”

Alec stares at the ground, swallowing heavily. To his embarrassment, his eyes feel hot.“I want that with him; fifty years and grandkids.”

Larry squeezes his shoulder as he collects himself.“Hey, listen, there’s a support group I go to.It’s for family members, spouses, that kinda thing.It’s mostly folks my age, but there’s a coupla kids, too, around your age, and a few parents not much older.You’re welcome to join any time.It’s nice, talking with people who get it.Sometimes there’s things I don’t wanna bother Judith with.”

That actually sounds nice; he doesn’t feel comfortable burdening Magnus with his fears with about _Magnus’s_ cancer all the time either.“Sure.Send me the info?”

“Will do, kid,” Larry says, squeezing his shoulder. 

He’s a few minutes late when they finally walk in—Magnus already has his bag hooked and dripping—but the smile on his face when Alec gives him the flowers is worth it.Raphael rolls his eyes from where he’s sprawled next to Magnus.“What, none for me?”

“Talk to Simon,” Alec tells him as he kisses Magnus on the cheek.“Hi,” he says.Magnus smells like the hospital—something sterile and chemical; he’d had to stop wearing his cologne a few weeks ago because the smell made him nauseous. Magnus beams at him, clutching the flowers.

“Ugh, that’s my cue,” Raphael says, standing.“They’re unbearably sappy together,” he says towards the Plastics.“Ladies.” 

Esther titters, and Magnus breaks his gaze away from Alec’s long enough to say “Also gay, sorry ladies.You’ll have to fight over Larry.”

“Hey!” Larry protests.“I’m a catch.” 

Judith pats his arm consolingly.“Sure you are, dear.”

“Yeah, fifty years ago, maybe,” Margaret grouses.

Raphael gives Magnus a constipated-looking hug.“See you later, asshole.”

“Your company was truly a delight, as always, Raphael,” Magnus snarks back as Raphael nods at Alec.Raphael and Magnus have been friends for years, but Alec truly doesn’t understand their friendship. 

Magnus cradles his flowers carefully all the way home.He settles them an obnoxiously bright pink vase, and places them on the top of the refrigerator.“So Church doesn’t get in them,” Magnus explains. 

Alec raises an eyebrow.“Church has been asleep in the window sill since we left this morning. I’m pretty sure the flowers are safe.”

Magnus thinks he can handle a plain soy cheese pizza without getting too nauseous, so they order take out from the place down the block.When it arrives, he nibbles at it slowly as they curl on the couch together.Magnus puts on Legally Blonde, and Alec groans.

“You know you love this movie.”

“. . .Only because I appreciate a good legal thriller.”

“Please, you just like Reese Witherspoon movies.”

About half way through, when Elle is teaching the salon the bend and snap and they’ve long since finished eating,Magnus turns where he’s encircled in Alec’s arms, and nibbles at his neck. 

Normally, this is where they give up pretense of pretending to watch a movie, and tonight it seems to be moving in that direction.Since Magnus started chemo, they’ve barely had sex; he’s generally been too exhausted and nauseous.Considering they were on each other like rabbits before, it’s been a shift in their relationship.Kissing Magnus has always been Alec’s favorite thing; even after all this time, the look of devoted heat Magnus looks at him with doesn’t seem possibly real. 

They make out lazily on the couch for a while, and eventually, Alec shifts his hand towards Magnus’s cock.Despite Magnus’s groans, he’s not even remotely hard.Dr. Hwang had cautioned them erectile disfunction could be a side effect, but the lack of any physical reaction still drenches Alec in cold water.Alec sighs and pulls away.“Why don’t we take it easy for now?”

Magnus shakes his head.“I’ll get there, Alec, c’mon.”

“If you’re not there already, I doubt you’re going to get there.”

Magnus sinks back onto his neck.“At least let me make you feel good.This is the first time I’ve felt well enough to have sex in weeks.Let’s take advantage of it while we can.”

Alec pushes him back again.“I don’t want to take _advantage_ of you.If you’re not enjoying yourself, how am I supposed to?”

Magnus sighs.“Just because I can’t get off, doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy myself.” 

Alec knows objectively that’s true.But it’s never been true for them.They’ve had nights where one person has been the main focus, sure, but one of the many things that makes their relationship work is that their libidos are pretty evenly matched.He can’t imagine lying back and letting Magnus finger him and enjoy it while Magnus can’t even get turned on because of the poison coursing through his veins.

“Let’s just watch the movie, hey?”Magnus frowns, but obligingly turns his head back to the tv.Alec sighs, feeling like he’s won the battle but lost the war. 

~

“C’mon, you need a drink.”

Alec looks up to see Lydia, hips cocked.She has her “won’t take no for an answer” face on.

“I can’t; Magnus has chemo today.I need to go home and see how he’s doing.”

“Izzy’s with him; she can watch him for a little bit.”Alec stares at her, and she shrugs.“You told me yesterday; it’s her day.”

_Go!!!!_ Magnus tells him when Alec texts him. _Have a Cosmo for me._ Alec winces at the thought of the sugary drink, but when Lydia stands expectedly at the door, he finds himself following.He should stay and do some more work—he’s dangerously behind—but instead he trails Lydia to a bar across the street from the firm and order whiskey sours.Neither of them talk about work, and while Lydia asks about Magnus, she doesn’t mention his cancer.Lydia blushingly admits she’s dating someone, and Alec teases her for details, even though Lydia is tight-lipped.It’s nice, actually.Alec really likes Lydia.He’s not short on people he cares about in his life, but sometimes they all feel so larger than life.Lydia is _grounded,_ which is a nice change from all the characters he loves.

Two drinks in, when they’re both laughing a little too loud, she swallows, looking at him.“So how are you doing?”

“Lydia,” he warns.

She throws her hands up.“Hey, you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to, but.When Johnna died, everyone kept giving me their sympathies and casseroles, but no one actually asked how I was doing.They didn’t want to actually deal with my grief.So.From someone who knows a little bit of what you’re going through, believe me when I say it helps if you talk about it with someone who’s willing to listen.”

He hesitates.“A guy at the hospital—the husband of one of the old ladies who has chemo at the same time as Magnus—said something similar.He gave me some info for a support group; I want to check it out, but I’m not sure how to talk to Magnus about it.”

“You should.You won’t help him by bottling everything up.”

Thankfully, they drift on to other topics, having one more drink before they head home.As he boards the train, he thinks about what Lydia said.The thought that he might lose Magnus lurks constantly at the back of his mind, but _Magnus_ is the last person he wants to tell that to.He needs Magnus to focus all of his energy on getting better, and worrying about Alec isn’t conducive to that.

When he gets home, Magnus is stretched out on the couch, Church purring on his chest.He smiles at Alec as he walks in.His bald head gleams in the low light, and his face is sunken in.There are heavy bags under his eyes.But still, that smile is the most beautiful thing Alec’s ever seen.“Hey you!” he says, sitting up.Church grumbles and slinks off to the bedroom.“Have fun with Lydia?”

“I did,” he says, leaning over the couch to kiss Magnus.He tastes like mint—he eats them constantly now, as the chemo gives him a foul taste in his mouth.Alec giggles, burying his headin Magnus’s neck. 

“Hmm, I can tell.”Magnus chuckles, combing his hands through Alec’s hair. 

Alec thinks about telling Magnus how scared he is.But for now, he just leans into Magnus’s hand and pretends like everything is normal. 

~

The next day, he boards the subway, headed towards Carol’s Kids.Even though he’s officially on leave, he still pops in once a week or so, partially to annoy the staff and partially to keep his pulse on everything while he’s gone.He does his makeup with more care than usual, and proudly dons one of his newly prepared scarves to cover his head.

He stays long enough to harass Naya into throwing him out of her office, and gets a quick update from Dante.By the time he leaves, the nausea is already starting, and he prays he makes it home before he gets sick.He pulls of his head wrap in an attempt to cool down a little.There’s only one open seat on the train, and the guy next to it has his legs sprawled up obnoxiously.“Excuse me,” Magnus mutters, but the guy acts like he doesn't hear.Magnus sighs, not wanting to fight, and forces himself into the empty seat.

The guy recoils as Magnus nearly drops on his leg. “Fuckin’ fag,” the guy mutters.“Don't want your AIDS germs on me anyway.” 

He looks around, and no one on the bus makes eye contact with him.

Magnus suddenly feels silly and small.He feels the urge to wipe off his eyeshadow; throw awayhis glittery bandana.He should say something; tell the guy to take his nasty stereotypes and go fuck himself.But what’s the point? _Oh, I don’t have AIDS, you prick.I have spinal cancer._

He sighs, and remains quiet the rest of the way home.

~

Alec watches Magnus get dressed to go see a movie with Catarina with a frown.His boyfriend is wearing basic, loose fitting denim jeans, and a black t-shirt that Alec is pretty sure is his.Instead of the sparkly bandanas he’d worked so hard on, he’s wearing a basic black skull cap, and there’s not even a hint of eyeliner in sight. 

“Are you okay?” he asks, gesturing towards Magnus’s outfit.

Magnus doesn’t meet his eyes.“Oh, I just want to be comfortable.”

He hesitates.“Okay, but. . . You have leggings and glittery sweatshirts for that.I don’t think I’ve seen you wear jeans in the entire time I’ve known you.”

Magnus sighs.“I just don’t feel like dressing up today, that’s all.”

“I could do your make up for you, if you want?”Alec offers.It’s sending all kind of warning signs though his brain that Magnus is dressed so plainly.“I mean, I’ve watched you and Izzy do it enough that—”

“Alec, I don’t feel like it today,” Magnus snaps.Alec takes a step back involuntarily, and Magnus sighs.“I’m sorry.I just don’t feel like people staring at me today.”

“Did someone say something to you?”

“Don’t worry about it.”

“Don’t worry—Magnus.What happened?”Something cold slithers down his back.He and Magnus have never kept secrets from each other.

Magnus sighs, turning away.“Someone called me a fag on the train yesterday.”

“What?” 

“Someone looked at my eyeliner and glitter and bright pink shirt and figured out that I like taking it up the ass.But then saw my shining head and incorrectly deduced that I have AIDS instead of cancer.”

“Magnus. . .” he trails off uncertainly.Red flashes in his eyes, but sorrow for Magnus wins out.

“And any other day, I’d get in his face and tell him what’s what, and tomorrow I’ll dress up and go out into the world in all my glory, but today I just.Today I can’t deal with that.”

“Hey, c’mere,” Alec says, pullingg Magnus in close.For a minute, Magnus shudders against him, but he pushes away after a second.“I’m okay.I’m going to be late meeting Catarina.You’re going boxing with Jace, yeah?”

Alec nods, and Magnus is gone before he can really process what just happened.He leaves to meet Jace on autopilot, and he doesn’t quite remember putting his gloves on or stepping into the ring.But then he swings at Jace, and suddenly he can’t stop.His vision blurs, and distantly he realizes he’s yelling.Jace has his arms up, but he’s not fighting back, and that’s what makes Alec finally stop, panting.

Jace lowers his arms cautiously.“I’m happy to let you wale on me, but do you want to talk about it?If you want to go back to punching me, that’s cool too; just be careful with my face because that’s how I make my money.”

“Some random asshole saw Magnus and told him he must have AIDS,” Alec spits. 

Jace’s eyes narrow.“Fuck man, that’s fucked up.I’m sorry.”  


Alec swings again, this time into the empty air.“Yeah.So now he’s not wearing any make up, or dressing like himself, because apparently being visibly queer and visibly sick is a magic combination for assholes.”Magnus, for all of his faults, has never been ashamed of who he is.That’s what Alec has always admired about him.And now the cancer has taken that from them too. 

“And he won’t even _talk_ to me about.He just goes ‘oh, Alec, it’s fine.’Has to quit his job?‘Oh, Alec, it’s fine.’Up all night throwing up?‘Oh, Alec, it’s fine.’We’ve always told each other _everything,_ and now I feel crazy because it’s clearly devastating for him—it’s devastating for _me—_ but I can’t talk to him about it I can’t be the asshole who makes his boyfriend’s cancer all about him.”

“Have you told him that?”

“How is that conversation supposed to go?‘Magnus, you’re clearly repressing your fear about your horrible illness that might kill you to maintain your sanity, but it makes _me_ feel bad, so can you please bare your emotions so that I feel less alone?’”

Jace shrugs.“I mean, honestly?It’s not fair for him to put the burden all on you.And he would probably feel better if he did talk about it.”

“Jace, I’m not going to tell my partner, who _has cancer,_ that he’s not supportive enough.I’ll just keep punching you until I get it out of my system.”

“All I’m saying is, you said it yourself—you said it yourself, you guys tell each other everything.I don’t want this to fuck up your relationship and you not say anything because Magnus is sick.Because if you don’t, when he’s better all that shit will still be there driving you apart.”

“Maybe.When did you get so wise?”

Jace grins, tapping the side of his head.“Dad wisdom.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Join me on Tumblr! ](http://ohlafraise.tumblr.com/)


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A few conversations, some more serious than others.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case anyone was wondering, Larry is played by John Goodman in my head.

It takes a second for Alec to figure out why the laughter in the hallway sounds familiar.He recognizes his boss Jack Ayers’ laughter, but the feminine chuckles take him a minute longer to place.He realizes why a second later: laughter is a sound he’s fairly unused to hearing in that voice.

_ Oh god. _

It’s his mother.

He chokes on the coffee he’s sipping on.Lydia looks at him in concern.“You okay?”

Alec stands up, nearly knocking his chair over.“Hide me.”

“What?Alec, what’s—“

The door swings open.Ayers laughs, and his mother smiles at Alec.It immediately makes him uneasy.“Alec!” she says brightly. 

"Mom."

Maryse blinks at the frosty reception, but her smile doesn’t falter.She rotates towards Lydia almost robotically.“Ah, and this must be the Ms. Branwell I’ve heard so much about.”

Lydia’s eyes widen, and she looks more nervous than he’s ever seen her. Alec supposes it’s because of his Mom—even though they practice in a totally different area, everyone in the New York legal scene knows the name Maryse Lightwood.“You’ve—you’ve heard about me?”

“Of course.Alec talks about his brilliant office-mate all the time.”

Lydia exhales.“Alec, right,” she mutters.Then, louder, she says “It’s nice to meet you, Ms. Lightwood.”

Maryse nods at her, then pivots back towards Alec.“Alec, I thought we’d grab lunch.”

“I’d love to, Mom, but we’re pretty busy.”The thing is, as much as he doesn’t want to go to lunch with his mom, it’s not even a lie; he’s been taking so much time off to deal with Magnus’s illness that he’s practically drowning at work. 

To Ayers, Alec must sound sincerely apologetic, because he says, “nonsense, Alec.Go to lunch with your mother.If anyone gives you grief, you can tell them I ordered you to.”

Well, _now_ he can’t say no.“Thank you, Mr. Ayers,” he grits out. 

Maryse grins and claps Ayers on the shoulder.“Jack, always good to see you.”

They walk in silence the few blocks from Alec’s office to one of his mother’s favorite restaurants.When they settle at a table, Maryse tries to make small talk.“So, Jack tells me you’re working on the Wiler case.That’s a lot to handle, with Magnus being sick.”

A cold chill runs down his spine.“You didn’t tell Ayers about Magnus’s cancer, did you?”

Maryse raises an eyebrow.“No, we only talked briefly.You haven’t told him?”

“No. We’re trying to not let it derail our lives too much.”

She nods.“That makes sense.”  


Alec sighs.“Mom, why are we here? What is this about?”

“What, a mother can’t have lunch with her child?”

“Mom.”

Maryse puts down her fork, not meeting his eyes.“I. . .I wanted to see if you needed anything.”

Alec stares at her in silence. 

“Alec.” She trails off.For what may be the first time in Alec’s life, his mother seems unsure.”I know. . .that Magnus is very sick.”She’s obviously choosing her words carefully.“And I know that, regardless of what I think of him, he is very important to you.And, whatever . . . idiosyncrasies in his personality, he clearly cares about you as well.He’s been good to you, as much as I’m not sure he’s good _for_ you.”Alec starts to protest—it was an old argument—but Maryse holds up a hand.“Alec, as much as we may disagree about what’s best for you, you are still my son, and I want you to be happy.”

Alec pauses, unsure what to say.His mother’s love has always felt _so_ conditional, and everything he’s ever done for himself—transitioning, dating Magnus, even going into civil law—has been met with her disapproval.This olive branch she’s offering is putting them into uncharted territory. 

Maryse rubs her forehead.“Max wants to go to college in California.Jace is distancing himself now that Clary is pregnant.Izzy hasn’t spent more time with your father and me than absolutely necessary in years.You’re the only one of my children who can still stand me, and I don’t want to lose you too.”

“Mom. . .”

“Just, think about what I said; if there’s anything we can do to help, let us know, please.”

Alec can’t help but snort.“What?” Maryse says.

“It’s just—it’s not funny, but it kind of is—but when Magnus first got sick, he said it’d be worth it if it finally got you and Dad to approve of him.” 

Maryse, to Alec’s surprise, laughs.“Well, whatever I think of him, Magnus can have his amusing moments.”

~

The rest of lunch passes in awkward small talk.He and his mother part outside of the restaurant, and his mother gives him a fragile hug.Lydia doesn’t ask any questions about his lunch, and the day passes in a contemplative silence.

Alec wants to run home and bitch to Magnus about his mother’s weird peace offering, but Magnus has plans with Ragnor and Raphael that night.His boyfriend’s social life has declined dramatically since his diagnosis, but he’s been doing his best to stay as active as possible.He’s slowly started to dress like himself again, but it’s still timid, and he looks like he has to brace himself every time he leaves the house.Alec doesn’t want to pull him away from the little semblance of normalcy he still has, and Alec also doesn’t want to stress Magnus out about Maryse when he’s struggling with much more serious issues.

But Alec doesn’t want to deal with this on his own, either.

He thinks about calling Jace or Izzy, but instead he pulls out his phone and thumbs through his texts. 

~

The gym has that slightly musty smell that all older New York buildings have.It’s strangely comforting, in a way; it reminds Alec of living in the ancient dorms at Columbia.There’s a table with grape juice and store-bought cookies in the back of the room; Alec nibbles on one nervously as he eyes the people milling around and the circle of chairs in the middle of the gym.As promised, there’s people of all ages: several older men and women, a decent amount of people who look like parents, a few younger people around Alec’s age, and even a few that are younger.They all have the same look on their face that Alec feels like he wears every day.Dark bruises and bags under tired-looking eyes, and pale skin from spending too much time in the hospital.Even the teenagers look old beyond their years. 

Alec hangs back from where people are beginning to settle in the circle.He’s about to sneak out the back, regretting his impulsive decision to come this stupid support group, when a hand lands on his shoulder.“Hey there, son,” Larry’s voice booms from behind him. 

“Hey, Larry.”Alec briefly leans into the touch before pulling away.He wishes his Mom could be like this: easy with affection, without strings or qualifiers. Larry, who's a grumpy old Southerner, has never had a problem with Alec and Magnus both being men, or Magnus wearing eyeliner, or that Alec has a distinct lack of Adam's apple despite how fit he is.

“Glad you could make it, Alec.C’mon, you can sit next to me.”

Alec doesn’t talk, that first session, beyond _my name is Alec and my partner has spinal cancer._ But the stories that pass around the circle resonate with him, and he feels. . . not at peace, but less frightened for the first time since this whole thing started.

~

When he gets home, Alec curls up on the sofa, and Church, much to Alec’s surprise, jumps on his lap, purring and kneading. Church has always hated Alec, but he seems to realize they’re reluctant partners now in taking care of Magnus.Magnus himself appears not much later, and leans over to kiss Alec on the head, running his fingers through Church’s coarse fur. Much to Alec’s relief, Magnus is wearing eyeshadow like normal.“My boys,” he says fondly.  He pulls off his headscarf, and his head gleams dully under the soft lights of their living room.

Alec hums as Magnus slides on the couch beside him.“How was the movie?”

“Terrible.But,” Magnus grins wickedly, “I took my scarf off and got the cashier to give me my ticket for free.”  


Alec grins despite himself.“You’re terrible.”He kisses Magnus gently.Magnus tastes like peppermints—he chews on them constantly now, to keep the nausea at bay. 

“Mmm, yes.But you love me anyway.”

Alec kisses him again.“I do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Join me on Tumblr. ](http://ohlafraise.tumblr.com/)


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Falling apart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My goal was to have this finished before NaNo, and then I realized yesterday that, holy shit, it was November 1st. So I'm putting all my efforts into finishing this as quickly as possible before I start on my NaNo project. I'm thinking there will be two more chapters and then an epilogue, so hopefully it won't take long.

About ten minutes into Magnus’s three hour appointment, Jace pulls out a book.Magnus isn’t surprised—these appointments are incredibly long, and there’s only so much gossiping he can do with Larry and the Plastics to fill the time.Jace is a lot smarter than most people give him credit for, Magnus knows; he reads a lot in his spare time.What does surprise Magnus is that what Jace is reading is clearly a biomedical engineering textbook.Once upon a time, Jace had been pursuing an engineering degree, but he’d dropped out of his college program to pursue modeling years ago.

“Keeping current?”Magnus asks, nodding towards the book.

“Thinking about getting back in, actually.”Jace hesitates.“I love my job now, but how sustainable is it?I’m having a kid, Magnus.I need to make sure I can take of it.”

Magnus smiles.Since Clary had announced she was pregnant, Jace had gone into full nesting mode, doing everything he could to get ready for the baby.He and Clary, who was busy painting working around her adorable baby bump to paint a custom nursery, were going to make great parents.Magnus would almost be jealous of them if he wasn’t so excited for them instead. “Well, as much as I’d hate for you to quit and lose my window into free designer samples, I think that’s wonderful, Jace.”

“Oh, that reminds me!I have a sweater from the latest Versace collection.” He rummages around in his bag, pulling out a pile of soft grey wool.Magnus makes grabby hands. “Wait,” Jace says, pulling it out of Magnus’s reach. “I need a favor first.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah,”Jace pulls out his phone, handing it to Magnus.“I need help picking out a ring.”

“Oh my god!”he grins.“You’re going to ask Clary to marry you?”

Jace blushes.“I, uh, already did, actually.She told me to come back with a ring.”

Magnus chuckles.“Straight men, I swear.Well, let me what you’re working with.”

Magnus thumbs through Jace’s phone.Jace has created a pinterest board of possibilities, which is strangely endearing.Jace clears his throat.“I think, we wanna have a casual wedding.Do it before the baby gets here.”

Magnus eyes him.“That’s. . .in like two months.”

Jace shrugs.“The porch at Mary’s is available three weeks from now.”

“Wow,” Magnus chuckles.Jace’s smile is contagious, and, well, Magnus loves weddings. “Let’s find you a ring then.”

“Yeah, thanks, man.”There’s a minute of silence before Jace continues, “You know, I never thought in a million years Clary and I would get married before you guys.”

Magnus huffs.“Well, your brother, in his defense, did try to beat you to the punch.”

Jace startles.“Alec proposed?”

“He didn’t tell you?”

“He told me he was looking at rings, but he didn’t tell me he’d actually done it.Wait.Dude. Did you say _no_?”

Magnus speaks slowly.He can still feel the smooth velvet of the ring box in his hands; there hasn’t been a day that, despite all of his legitimate reasons aside, Magnus hasn’t wondered if he didn’t make a mistake. “I found the ring; he didn’t get the chance to propose, exactly.I asked him to wait until I was better.The last thing I want is what should be the happiest time in my life mixed up with what is undoubtedly the worst.”

Jace shrugs.“I think that’s bullshit, but whatever.”

“Excuse me?” Magnus sputters.

“Look, there’s never going to be a perfect time.You and Alec love each other; what does it matter if everything else is shitty right now?”

“I—”

“And, look, man,” Jace’s eyes soften.“I know everyone is dancing around it, but you’re really sick.Now, I think you’ll be fine, but.Why wait?You never know what could happen—Alec could fall into a manhole and break his neck tomorrow.”

There it is: the thing that Mangus has been avoiding putting words to, even in his head.He and Alec might not get a happy, cancer free engagement.

But if he doesn’t make it, however happy it might make Magnus to be engaged and married, how could that possibly make things easier for Alec? 

Magnus shakes his head.“You certainly don’t pull your punches, Jonathan Christopher.”

“Hey, man.After Clary, Alec and Izzy are the most important people in the world to me.And I care about you too.If being a little brusque means you and Alec get to be happy, well.”

He can’t help but laugh.“C’mon, let’s get your poor girl a ring.”

~

“So.Jace and Clary are getting married.”

Lydia nods, enthralled at Alec’s recounting of Jace’s recounting of his proposal.As much as Lydia would deny it out loud, Alec knew she was a sucker for romance.Alec hadn’t been surprised when Jace told him he had proposed, and he was happy for his brother.As much as Clary had annoyed him when they’d first met, he’d come to appreciate how loving and protective of Jace she was. 

“Three from weeks from now.Mary’s Tea Room.”

“You’re best man?”

“Yup,” Alec confirms.“And God help us, but Simon is the Man of Honor.”

Lydia’s nose wrinkles.“He’s not planning the bachelorette party, is he?”

Alec snorts at the thought.“God, no.Izzy is taking that particular honor.”

“So, will Izzy be there?”

“Yeah, of course.She’s a bridesmaid.Actually, that reminds me, Clary asked me to ask you if you wanted to come—”

Alec doesn’t get to finish his thought, because at that moment Ayers storms into the office.It’s a far cry to his normal, easygoing demeanor; Alec can practically see a vein throbbing in his neck.

“Alec!” he barks.“The Wiler filing deadline was today.Why did I just get a call saying the paperwork hasn’t been submitted?”

Alec feels an immediate burst of shame, even though he hasn’t done anything wrong—a byproduct of always being an anxious teacher’s pet.“The filing deadline is the 7th.”

Ayers stares at him incredulously.“It _is_ the 7th.”

It feels like someone dumped a bucket of cold water down Alec’s back.“What?I—“He babbles, counting the days in his head.Magnus’s second chemo of the month had been on the fifth, and that had been two days ago—

_Fuck._

“I’ll fix it.I’ll—“ he trails off. He can’t fix it.It’s 5:30; the court is already closed.He’s single handedly fucked up one of their biggest cases because of a paperwork issue.

“I have a clerk who owes me a favor.Lydia, please go take the motion and give it to Jack Speigler.He’ll take care of it.”Lydia nods, not arguing.She gathers her things quickly, squeezing Alec’s shoulder on her way out.

The silence when just Alec and his boss remain is deafening.“Alec,” Ayers pinches his nose.He sighs.“Go home.We’ll talk about your future tomorrow.”And Ayers leaves the room.

Alec has to stop and breathe on his way home, afraid he’s going to throw up.His entire body feels hot.How could he be so stupid?He was better than this.He needed to have his shit together, and—

He’s never been so glad to see his apartment.He prays that Magnus is home.Alec just really _really_ needs Magnus to tell him everything is going to be okay. 

When he enters, Magnus is coming out of the bathroom, looking grey.Alec hesitates for a moment, because Magnus doesn’t really need anything else to worry about—

Magnus stares at him.“Alexander?What’s wrong?”

He tries to speak, but nothing comes out.His bottom lip quibbles. 

“Hey,” Magnus says, suddenly in his space.Alec can smell the toothpaste on his breath and the sour stench of vomit underneath.“C’mere.”Magnus tugs him to the couch, settling in beside him. 

“I think I’m getting fired, babe,” he finally says.Magnus freezes beside him.“I fucked up, really, really bad today.”

“Alec. . .” Magnus starts.“Even if you made a mistake, you’ve poured your life into that place.Surely they won’t—“

“They will.There’s no way they could justify keeping me on after this.”Alec knows he’s spiraling into a worse case scenario, but he’s panicking.All his life, he’s worked so hard to be a lawyer.What started out as a desire to make his Mom proud turned into a real passion, and a chance to really make a difference in the world.And if he gets fired from this job, no one will hire him.He’ll be radioactive. 

“Maybe. . .Maybe if you told them about the cancer. . .”

“No, Magnus, I’m not going to—“

“You don’t have to keep throwing yourself on the fire for me, Alec.”

Alec stares at him incredulously.“What?”

Magnus looks down.“You’re torpedoing your life for me, and you don’t have to just because I’m sick.”

“So what am I supposed to do, just ignore the fact that you could die?” he asks hysterically.  

“I’m just saying, I don’t want you to stay with me because you feel obligated to when I’m clearly only making things hard for you.”

And however bad Alec felt earlier, it’s nothing compared to this.

“Is that what you think of me?” he asks quietly.“That I’m so selfish I’d want to leave you because you have cancer?”

“Alec, no, I—“

He scrubs a hand over his face.“Jesus Christ, Magnus. I love you, you asshole, but I can’t be around you right now.”

“Alec, wait!”

But Alec is already walking out the door.

~

Alec can hear pop blaring through the speakers as the door to his sisters’ apartment swings open.“Hey, you—Alec?”Izzy’s eyes widen. 

“Sorry, you’re clearly expecting someone,” he says, already backing away.She’s dressed in a very short dress and has her make up done.Izzy reaches out and grabs his wrist. 

“Hey, I can cancel.Come on in.”She pulls him inside before he can protest.She shoves him down on the couch and picks up her phone.“One second— _oh._ She’s psychic; she’s already canceled, actually.” 

Alec raises an eyebrow, momentarily distracted.“You like this girl way too much for her to be canceling on you.”

“ _Relax,_ big brother.I know why she canceled and I agree with her reasoning.But enough about me.What happened with you and Magnus?”

“How do you know something happened with me and Magnus?”

“Because you’re here, and not at home with him.”

He sighs.“We. . .got in a fight,” he admits. “Iz, I don’t know.Everything with us has been so off since he got sick.”

“What happened?”

“I fucked up at work.Really bad.And I came home upset and I was venting to him, and he said— He said—” God fucking dammit.Alec can feel his eyes grow hot again.

“Alec,” she says gently, placing her hand over his.“What did he say?”

“He said he was clearly a burden on me, and that I could leave if I wanted.”

Izzy sucks in a breath.“Jesus.”

He buries his head in his hands.“I called him an asshole and then stormed out.I just. . .is that how he thinks of me?That I’d just leave the second things get tough?I mean, I know we’re not married, yet, but, I mean, the sentiment is there.In sickness and in health, right?How could he think I would want to leave him?”

Izzy bites her lip.“I think,” she says carefully, “that when Magnus said that, he wasn’t thinking about you.He was being. . .not selfish, but focusing on himself, and projecting onto you.” 

“Maybe,” Alec says.He doesn’t know what to think.He just wants things to be normal. 

Izzy stands up.“Hang on, let me get changed, and we can talk about it.”She pauses.“I know you guys are fighting right now, but he’s probably freaking out—you might just want to let him know that you’re here and not getting mugged in an alley somewhere.”

“No, you’re right.”

_At Izzy’s,_ he texts Magnus. _We’ll talk to tomorrow.I love you._ And Alec shuts his phone off before Magnus can reply.

Because despite everything, there’s nothing more sure of than the fact that he loves Magnus more than he's ever loved anyone else. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on tumblr at ohlafraise.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Coming back together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so this fic is officially done! There's one more chapter after this one and then the epilogue. I'll probably post both tomorrow, just so I can get it off my plate before diving fully into NaNo.

Izzy returns to the couch in a pair of sweatpants, and she and Alec curl up on the couch like they’re little kids again.He vents about work and Magnus and how absolutely done with everything he is.“I’m just so _tired,_ Iz.And I’m not even the one who’s sick. I don’t know how Magnus does it.”

Izzy squeezes his hand.“You need to tell him that, big brother.If you’re this tired, he probably is too.”

“Jace told me something similar, you know.”

She laughs.“Well, if Jace and I are agreeing on something, you should probably listen.”

He chuckles. “Yeah.”

Alec tosses and turns on the couch all night.His thoughts jump around from losing his job, to his fight with Magnus, to something happening to Magnus while he’s home alone.When his alarm goes off for him to get up for work, he’s laying on the couch, eyes bloodshot and wide awake. 

Alec wants nothing more to stay on Izzy’s couch and avoid the world.But he knows he needs to go to work—if he even still has a job—so he takes a quick shower with Izzy’s obnoxious strawberry body wash and heads to the office.Luckily, he keeps a spare set of clothes at the office—on Magnus’s advice—so he isn’t stuck wearing the same outfit two days in a row.Lydia gives him a sympathetic look when she arrives, and squeezes his shoulder. “It’ll be okay,” she says, as he squares his shoulders.She sniffs.“Why do you smell so good?”

He rolls his eyes.“I stayed at Izzy’s last night.Magnus and I . . .needed some time apart,” he says. 

“Wow, I’m sorry, Alec.”

“I’m going to see Ayers now,” Alec says.He needs to do it before he loses his nerve.

Lydia nods.“Good luck.”

Alec marches to Ayers office slowly.In his head, he’s making a list of all the things he’ll have to box up when he’s fired.All the pictures of Magnus and Izzy and Jace on his desk; the stress ball shaped like an egg Max bought him. He has some premium coffee creamer in the fridge; he’ll be damned if he’s not taking that with him.Angie, Ayers’ secretary, nods at him as he walks to the door.“He’s expecting you.”

_Great._

He enters the spacious office slowly.The room is alight with sunshine streaming through the floor to ceiling windows, and the paintings on thew all are apparently high art that probably cost more than Alec’s apartment. 

Ayers looks up at him and nods.“Alec,” he gestures to the seat across from him.“Have a seat.”He steeples his hands before looking over his glasses.Alec feels like he’s back in middle school, sitting in the principle’s office for punching a bully. 

“We recruit the most promising law grads every year, and even then, you stood out amongst your peers.Until about three months or so ago, your work has been exemplary. Can you explain what happened?”

Alec doesn’t hesitate.He won’t make Magnus his scape goat; no matter what’s been going on in his life, his actions are his responsibility and his alone.Besides, even though Magnus and Ayers have met all of twice, Magnus wants as few people as possible knowing about his cancer.Alec will respect that. “I don’t have an excuse, sir.My work hasn’t been up to par the last few weeks, and that’s unacceptable.If you don’t fire me, sir, and you’d have every right to, then I will make sure nothing like this ever happens again.”

Ayers doesn’t even blink.“No excuse, huh?”

“None, sir.”

“That’s interesting.Because Ms. Branwell told me yesterday that your fiancé has cancer.”

Alec blinks.“We’re not engaged, technically,” he blurts out, dumbfounded.“We’re waiting.Until he’s hopefully better,” he continues stupidly.

“So it’s true.”

He nods.The cat is out of the bag, he supposes.“He’s been on chemo for about four and a half months.He has a tumor on his spine.  His chances . . .they're not great.” 

Ayers face softens.“I’m sorry, son.”Alec’s face must show his utter uncomfortableness, because Ayers laughs quietly and pulls out his wallet.He takes out a picture and hands it to Alec.It’s a young woman, soft blonde hair curling around her shoulders.The picture is faded with age.Alec looks up questioningly.“My daughter, Kayla,” Ayers said softly.“She died ten years ago.Stage IV cervical cancer.There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about her.”

Alec doesn’t know what to do with this stark admission of grief.Ayers is his boss, and he feels both touched and incredibly awkward at the same time.“I’ve only known him for five years, but he’s my whole world.I don’t know what I’ll do if I lose him.”

Ayers sighs.“Alec, look.You fucked up, and I wish you’d told us about Magnus sooner.If it’d been any other circumstance, I’d fire you.But, I think you really do show a lot of promise, and I out of all people know how badly cancer turns over your life.So.I’m putting you on paid leave for the next two months.While we clean up the Wiler mess, yes, but also so you can give your boy your full attention.” 

Alec sits back, stunned.  The generosity of this gift doesn't escape him.“Sir, I can’t—”

“You can, Alec.”

“Thank you sir.”

He walks back to the office, stunned.Lydia bolts up the second he walks back in the office.“Alec?”

“You told Ayers about Magnus’s cancer.”

Her face falls.“I’m so sorry, I know it wasn’t my place, but Ayers was on a tirade yesterday, and I couldn’t see you thrown under the bus like that.” 

He shakes his head. “No, Lydia it’s okay.I mean, I’m kind of annoyed, but.He gave me two months paid leave to be with Magnus.” 

“Wow.” 

“Yeah, so.I’m going to go home and spend time with my boyfriend that I’m fighting with.”

Lydia squeezes his shoulder.“Good luck.”

The ride home passes in a blur, and, before Alec knows it, he's standing outside of their door.  He opens it slowly.Magnus is on the couch, wrapped up in a blanket.He looks up at Alec.His eyes are red and bloodshot.“Hey,” Magnus says quietly.

“Hey,” Alec says, settling on the couch.He faces forward, not looking at or touching Magnus. 

They sit in silence before Magnus asks, “did work go okay?”

“I have two months paid leave.Ayers daughter died of cancer, so he felt sorry for me.”

“Huh,” Magnus says.“That’s nice.”

There’s a moment of silence before Magnus says “Alec, I’m sorry.”

“Is that really what you think of me?” Alec asks.He hasn’t been able to stop thinking about it.“That I’d just cut and run the second things got tough?Do you really think that little of me?”

Magnus turns and looks at him, serious look in his eyes.“Of course not, Alec.You are the most generous person I’ve ever known.But I couldn’t help but think—”

“Couldn’t help but think _what_ , Magnus.”  
  
Magnus sighs.“I know you love me.But I don’t want that to ruin you.”

He stares at Magnus, bewildered.“What?”

Magnus looks down.“I’m going crazy, Alec. I’m always nauseous.My hair is gone.I can’t work, I can’t dance, I can’t have sex with the man I love. I don’t feel like myself anymore; hell, I barely feel _human_ most days.You’re the most amazing person I know, and you deserve a partner who can _match_ you. You nearly lost your job because of me, for fuck’s sake. You shouldn’t be spending your twenties with someone who you have to watch throw up in the middle of the night and take to fucking chemo appointments.”

“Magnus,” he says, taking his hand.“I love _you._ Everything you said about me—I feel that for you ten times over.You drive me crazy sometimes, but I love you so much I don’t even understand it.You’re so amazing.And yeah, I don’t want to spend my twenties watching you struggle with cancer, but that’s because I don’t want to see you _sick_.I don’t care about losing my job or taking care of you, you idiot.You’re worth it.You’re everything to me.”  
  
Magnus looks up at him, eyes shining. “I’m just so over being sick, Alec.”

“Hey, c’mere,” Alec says.He puts his arm around Magnus, touching him for the first time since he got home; Alec immediately feels better with Magnus in his arms.Magnus folds in at the touch, collapsing against Alec.Alec runs a hand over his back, and Magnus shudders.“I love you,” Alec says into his head.And for the first time since all this started, Magnus cries. 

He sobs, and Alec draws him closer, crying himself.They cling to each other, letting their emotions finally, _finally_  out to one another, until Magnus eventually pulls back, sniffling.“I’m sorry,” he says.“I’m just really scared,” he laughs. 

“Me too,” Alec admits, voice wet.“I didn’t want to say anything, because I didn’t want you to have to worry about me on top of everything else.Clearly, I failed.I wish you would have told me how you were feeling, though.We both should have been more honest.”

Magnus bites his lip.“I ran into Camille, back when all this started,” he admits.“She knew about the cancer, somehow.She said some things. . .about how I would take you down with me and you would never say anything. . .I know I shouldn’t have, but I let her get to my head.”

Alec has never been a violent person, but he could gladly strangle Camille without breaking a sweat.“She knows just how to twist the knife,” he says.“Hey, look. In the interest of being honest, I’ve been going to a support group Larry invited me to for family members of people with cancer.”

Magnus nods.“That makes sense.If you think it would help, you should definitely go. . .I’m sorry I haven’t been there for you.”

“Hey,” he takes Magnus’s hand gently, “of course you’ve been here for me.But even if you weren’t sick, Magnus, we have to have other people we can rely on. Maybe,” he continues hesitantly, “you should see someone too.Just because this is so massive.”

Magnus hums.“Maybe.I saw a therapist when I first got brought into Carol’s kids.It was pretty helpful.”

Alec kisses him, and though it starts slow, it heats up quickly, until Magnus pulls back suddenly. “God, I miss sex _so much._ Even on the rare times I feel like fucking, I can’t actually do it.”

“If it helps, I miss it too,” Alec chuckles.

Magnus looks down.“I wish. . .I wish you’d let me get off.”

Alec sighs.“It just feels. . .weird.And _selfish._ To enjoy myself while you can’t even get hard.”

Magnus brushes his hair back.“Alec, believe me when I say I really don’t care about that.I feel like us not having sex has made us feel even more distant, and that we’re not equals anymore.We’ve always taken care of each _othe_ r, and now I can’t even take care of you in that small way.”

“Magnus,” Alec squeezes his hand.“If you really feel that way, maybe we can try.”Alec grins.“Even though, it will be huge imposition on my part to let you get me off.”

Magnus rolls his eyes.“A regular Mother Teresa, you are.”

That night, they curl around each other, and Alec feels like he and Magnus are in sync for the first time since Magnus’s diagnosis.

~ 

Magnus, after some gentle hounding from Alec, makes an appointment with a therapist.He gets an appointment on a Friday morning before chemo, and it’s Izzy’s day to sit with him at chemo after.Alec, even though he realizes how absolutely lucky he is to have paid time off work instead of being unemployed, is slowly starting to go crazy with nothing to do all day.So he decides to pamper Magnus. 

Alec deep cleans their bathroom and the kitchen, sweeps the living room, and washes their bedding and all of the dirty laundry.By the time Alec is done, the apartment is sparkling enough to make Martha Stewart proud. In Alec’s defense, their apartment is ridiculously tiny, so it doesn’t take long.When he’s done, he heads out to pick up a few things he wants for that night.

When Magnus finally comes home, he has the fatigue of post-chemo appointments about him, but his eyes look a little looser, or at least Alec’s wishful thinking says they do.“How’d it go?” Alec asks.

Magnus waves his hand dismissively.“Same old, same old.”

“Magnus.”  
  
Magnus rolls his eyes.“Okay, fine.The therapist _was_ a little helpful.”

Alec grins.“Told you so.”

“Yeah, yeah.Wow, did you clean?It looks great in here.”

“Well, you wouldn’t know a broom if it hit you in the face, so I figured someone should try to tidy up.”

“Hey!Rude.I have cancer, you know.”

“Please.You didn’t clean _before_ you had cancer.”

Magnus laughs.“Okay, fine you caught me.”

Alec grins.“Yeah, I see right through you.Now, come on,” he tugs Magnus’s hand, “I’ve got something planned.”

Alec pours out the unscented bubble bath he’d spent all morning searching for, and gently pulls Magnus with him into the hot steaming tub.Magnus laughs, leaning back against Alec’s chest. “We finally have an apartment with a bathtub.Living in the lap of luxury, aren’t we, darling.” 

Alec laughs.“For New York?Honestly we’re doing pretty good.I think our next goal should be to get one we both fit in, though.”He wiggles his toes from where his legs are dangling over the edge. 

He refuses to let Magnus dry himself; instead, Alec carefully rubs him down with a fluffy towel.He pushes Magnus down onto the bed gently, both of them still naked, and breaks out the (also unscented) massage oil he’d bought. He kisses Magnus’s shoulder as he kneads his hands into the tense muscles of Magnus’s back.Magnus is _built_ normally—his arms are bigger than Alec’s despite being a few inches shorter.They’ve had quite a few fun nights seeing who could last longer fucking the other against the wall.But Magnus hasn’t been able to really work out since he was diagnosed, and combined with his poor appetite, his body has lost a lot of muscle mass.He’s no less beautiful to Alec, but Magnus’s body feels unfamiliar.

As Alec works Magnus’s back, he avoids trying to drift too low, knowing Magnus’s lower back is tender.It’s amazing: the tumor is just a small lump, but it’s caused them _so_ much grief and pain.Alec wishes he could knead it out just like he was doing to the knots in Magnus’s shoulder.

Magnus moans as Alec winds down, lifting off his back.He turns toward Alec, smiling dopily.“What did I do to deserve you?”  


He grins.“I ask myself that about you every day.”

Magnus grins and pushes himself up, leaning into Alec’s space to kiss him.“My turn.”He grins, pressing Alec down on his back.He kisses down Alec’s stomach until he’s hovering above Alec’s clit, blowing air on it softly.Alec squirms his hips, but tips Magnus’s head up. 

“Magnus. . .” he trails off hesitantly. 

Magnus rolls his eyes.“Alec, believe when I say that I will really enjoy this, even if I can’t do anything back.Let me make you feel good.”

“Okay,” he says.

Magnus grins.“Really?”

“Well, I suppose I could suffer through— _oh.”_ Magnus has dipped back down, tonguing Alec’s clit in the exact way he likes.He moans as Magnus slides two fingers in his wet cunt and crooks them until they’re brushing against Alec’s G-spot.It doesn’t take much for him to come, back arching with pleasure—Magnus knows just how to get him off.Alec collapses against the bed, panting. 

Magnus lays his head against Alec’s leg.He giggles hysterically, and to Alec, it’s the most beautiful sound in the world.

“What?” Alec asks, laughing with Magnus even though he’s not sure at what.“I didn’t come _that_ fast.”

Magnus can hardly stop giggling. “You _did._ But I just—I guess because of the chemo?I feel like I just ate out someone’s coin purse.”

He rolls his eyes.“I told you—“”

Magnus laughs.“Relax.I’m a big boy; I’m fine.Although I may have to just finger you next time.”

Alec winces.“A coin purse.” 

Magnus giggles again.“I’m going to find a peppermint, slot machine.” 

Alec throws a pillow at him as he leaves. 

~

A few days before Clary and Jace’s impromptu wedding, Izzy sends Alec a text. _RU throwing Jace a bachelor party???_  

Alec rolls his eyes.“Wow, I can’t imagine anything I’d rather do.Too bad I have a sick boyfriend I have to look after.”

Magnus hip checks him.“Nuh-uh.You’re not using me as an excuse.Take your brother out for a few drinks for his last night of singledom.I’ll have a night with Catarina and Ragnor.”

Magnus practically shoves him out the door a few days later.He and Jace meet at Izzy’s, downing a few shots before the three of them head out.Alec immediately feels claustrophobic; the bar is too loud, too crowded, too dark.The beat pulses, and he doesn’t even know what song it is, but it reminds him of Magnus.The only time Alec goes dancing is with his boyfriend, and he feels the absence of Magnus at his side keenly.

He and Magnus had met at a club, towards the end of Alec’s junior year of college.Alec had been in line for the seedy honky tonk bar with Jace, trying not to look too hard at the gay club next door.Even though he’d been out as trans for almost a decade, at that point, Alec was still coming to terms with being gay, and it was an unspoken secret between him and his siblings. Magnus had been walking by the queue, awash in glitter and eyeliner—Alec had only noticed him because he noticed his ass, which was one too wide stride away from busting out of his painted on leather pants.The guy in front of them, stumbling and already drunk off his ass even though the bars were barely open, had muttered _hey, look, it’s chink the twink._ Alec was already stepping forward, fists clenching and a _hey, what’d you say,_ on his lips with Jace at his back, when Magnus, not even tottering despite the ridiculous heeled boots he was wearing, cold cocked the guy. 

Alec, already half in love, watched as the bouncer dragged Magnus away. 

They’d run into each other in a bar down the road later in the night.Jace was off grinding on some girl—he and Clary were in one of their off periods—and Alec was standing by the bar awkwardly, wishing he hadn’t let Jace convince him to come.Magnus had strolled up, all cocked hips and sparkling brown eyes, and said “let me buy you a drink?I saw you try to stand up for me, earlier.”

Alec, feeling brave from the beer, looked him up and down unsubtly.“You didn’t need my help, clearly.”

“Still, it’s the thought that counts.”

Magnus had bought him something pink and fruity, which Alec had enjoyed more than the cheap beer he’d been drinking.And then Magnus had tugged Alec back to the shitty studio he’d been sharing with Catarina, and the rest was history.

As the three of them mingle on the dance floor, they hear a shout of “Izzy!Alec! Jace!”They turn, and Lydia is approaching them, clad in a short blue dress.She hugs all of them quickly.Izzy grins, holding onto her arms.“We’re at Jace’s bachelor party! He’s getting married!”She whips around to them; she’d been matching them for drinks, and with her smaller size it’s started to affect her.“Jace, Clary said Lydia could come to the wedding, right?” 

“Yeah!” Jace, nearly as drunk as Izzy, widens his eyes.“You got the invite, right?”

“Yeah!” Lydia screams. 

Izzy pulls Lydia onto the dance floor—they seem to be dancing awfully close for only having met a few times.He chalks it up to the alcohol and Izzy’s flirty personality.He and Jace and Jace head to the bar to get another round, and as they stand waiting for the bartender,Jace’s eyes widen.He cuts off in the middle of his sentence. 

“Hello, Alexander,” a voice behind him purrs.Alec knows immediately who it is. 

He turns around to find Camille, standing with her red lips grinning and hips cocked behind him.

Even Alec, who finds women about as sexy as taxes, knows that objectively, Camille is beautiful.With her golden skin and small frame, Alec can see why Magnus was attracted to her. 

“Camille,” he says, unamused.Magnus’s confession from a few days ago was still heavy in his mind.

“Where’s Lance Armstrong?I don’t see him here; did he kick the bucket?”

Even Alec was sometimes so blinded by Camille’s beauty that he forgot how truly cruel she was. 

Suddenly, Alec was lunging at her without even realizing, the alcohol bringing his hatred of Camille to the surface.It was only Jace grabbing him that kept Alec from wrapping his hands around her neck.

“You _bitch,”_ he practically hisses.“You stay away from him, you _ugly fucking—”_

“He must be a catch now, huh?No hair, body shot; I don’t know why’d you stay with him for his stunning personality—“

“ _Enough,”_ Jace says from where he was still holding Alec back.“Let’s go, Alec.” 

Jace drags him out of the club until he can no longer see Camille’s fucking smirking face. 

“What a fucking bitch,” Jace swears.

And suddenly, Alec can’t do it anymore.He isn’t sure if it was not working, or seeing Camille, or just the alcohol, but suddenly everything he’d been tamping down the past few months was bubbling to the surface.He collapses into Jace, crying. 

“Jace,” he sobs, clinging to his brother.“I can’t. . .I _can’t._ I can’t lose him.What if he dies?” And there’s the question that Alec hasn’t dared to say aloud, even to Magnus, since this whole thing began. 

“Hey, hey,” Jace soothes him, grasping his shoulders.“Magnus is going to be fine.”

“He. . .You don’t _know_ that.I love you and Izzy and Max _so much_ , I’d do anything for you guys—but Magnus, he’s my _person_.I don’t know how to be without him.”

“Hey, you don’t think he feels the same?Don’t go borrowing trouble, man.”Jace hugs him.“Magnus is going to do everything he can to stay with you; you know that right?”

“I know.But what if it’s not enough?It’s cancer; he can’t beat that just by being stubborn.”

“Well, if anyone out stubborn it, it’s probably Magnus.Look, don’t worry about the alternative right now.And if it does come that . . .Izzy and Clary and I, we’ve got your back.We’re here for the both of you every step of the way.”

Alec sniffles, nodding.He’d sobered up some from his drunken crying fit; he feels tired and sad and just wants to be home curled up with Magnus.“Thanks, Jace.”Alec laughs wetly. “Sorry I ruined your bachelor party.”

Jace laughs, squeezing him tighter.“No worries man.It was probably inevitable that one of us would end up a mess tonight; I’m just glad it wasn’t me freaking out about being a father.”

“You’re going to be a great dad,” Alec reassures him. 

“Thanks, dude.”They drunkenly cling together before Jace pulls back.“Let’s get you home.”

“What about Izzy?We can’t just leave her.”

“She looked pretty happy with Lydia; I’m sure she can find her way home. I’ll text her and let her know we’re leaving, though.”Alec nods as Jace pulls out his phone.Probably telling Izzythat he’d had a major breakdown in the parking lot after he’d tried to kill Camille. _Camille._ Alec has never hated anyone in his life as much as he hates her.

When he stumbles in the apartment to find Magnus asleep on the couch, clearly haven fallen asleep waiting for Alec, all that hatred is replaced with pure, blinding love.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Big moments in life always seem to come in succession.

The wedding, as hastily as it was thrown together, is beautiful.

Luke and Jocelyn walk Clary down the aisle.She looks radiant, clad in a flowing white dress over her round belly.Pregnancy suits her—she’s practically glowing.Alec, from where he’s standing behind Jace as best man, can tell his brother is beaming.Their vows are sweet, simple, and heartfelt; when they kiss, everyone, including Maryse and Robert, clap.Apparently Maryse had been serious about mending fences. 

Alec pulls Magnus into his arms after the first dance starts.Alec hates dancing, but, like with a lot of things in life, with Magnus it doesn’t seem so bad.Magnus chuckles from where his head is resting on Alec’s chest.He looks handsome in a navy suit with ice blue squares overlaid on the fabric.His elaborately folded blue head wrap matches.“Don’t look now, but your sister and Lydia are dancing.”

“What?”

Magnus spins them around seamlessly so that they’re facing the opposite way.He can see Lydia and Izzy pressed very, _very closely_ together, swaying to the beat of the music. Unlike at the club the other night, hardly anyone has been drinking in respect to Clary (although it hasn’t stopped Clary and Magnus from complaining about having to stay sober all night). 

“Are they—When did _that_ happen?”

Magnus laughs, bright and happy.“Darling, you knew Isabelle was seeing someone.”

“Yeah, but _Lydia_?”

“You didn’t find it strange that they were always busy the same nights?”

“I thought Lydia just didn’t want to hang out with us and was being polite!”  


Magnus shakes his head, burying it in Alec’s shoulder.“For someone so smart, you can be so oblivious sometimes.It’s a wonder you even noticed I was into you.”

He draws Magnus closer into his body, laughing.“To be fair, you made it kind of hard to miss.I’m really glad you did, though.”

Magnus hums in agreement, and they’re silent for a minute, swaying to the music. 

They stumble home eventually.Alec is a little tipsy, while Magnus keeps him steady. They change each other out of their suits; it’s not a sexual moment, rather it’s an expression of pure tenderness.In the bathroom, Alec takes the washcloth from Magnus’s hand and carefully wipes off his make up.Magnus smiles, and they curl up on the couch together. 

Magnus sighs.“Your brother said somethingthe other day that, God help me, actually made sense and that I can’t stop thinking about.”

He grins.“Wow, wait until I tell Jace about that flattery.”

Magnus doesn’t laugh, still looking serious.“I do want to marry you, you know.So much.I always have, but I got so caught up in wanting things to be perfect.That’s silly to wait until things are perfect; we’ll be waiting our lives in that case.I lost sight of what was important: making sure I do everything to keep you in my life as long as possible.”

Alec’s breath quickens.He has a feeling he knows where Magnus is headed, but he wants to make sure Magnus is really doing this is what Magnus wants.“I’ll be in your life forever, whether we’re married or not.You know that, right?”

Magnus finally smiles.“I know.But you can’t blame me for wanting to butter you up a little to make sure.So,” and he bends down on one knee, pulling a box out of the pockets of his ratty sweatpants that only Alec knows he owns, “Alexander Lightwood, will you marry me?”

He doesn’t even get the box open before Alec stumbles off the couch, swooping him into a hug.“Yes, you idiot, of course.”He clings to Magnus, to the man he loves more than life itself, to his _fiance._ He pulls back and holds out his hand, laughing shakily. 

Magnus grins, opening the box.It’s a perfect compliment to the ring he bought Magnus; less flashy but still similar.It’s a shiny silver flattened ring with two thin lines carved in the band, and a small hollow setting in the center.“I didn’t peak at your ring, I promise, but I did have Isabelle help me out—Lydia wasn’t the only secret she was keeping.She let the beans spill about leaving the diamond out; I thought it was a good idea.”Magnus’s hands feel warm as he slides the ring on; it’s a perfect fit.

He stops admiring it long enough to stand up and stumble to their bedroom.“Wait, let me get yours.”He retrieves the box triumphantly and settles back down with Magnus, sliding the ring on his finger.It looks like it was always meant to be there.Magnus grins down at it.“It’s beautiful.”

“Just like you,” Alec says.Magnus rolls his eyes—Alec supposed it was a little sappy, but hey, what can you do when you’re in love?

“We should tell everyone!” he says.He’s so excited, and he wants everyone to know. 

Magnus rolls his eyes again. “Let’s wait until the morning.You can’t announce your engagement on someone else’s wedding day, Alec!It’s so _tacky,_ especially when you’re the best man.”

“But I want everyone to know.”

Magnus smirks, tugging Alec up and into the bedroom.“Well, I’ll just have to distract you, then.”

Alec knows by now that it’s a side effect of the chemo and nothing that Magnus can’t control, but it’s still disappointing to run his hands down Magnus’s crotch and not feel him even a little hard.Magnus pulls his hands away, and bites gently on his neck.He slides over, pulling Alec on top of him, so that they’re lying back to chest.Magnus’s hand dips into his pants and his ring bumps against Alec’s clit; _hello_ , new kink.It doesn’t take long before he’s arching and coming.

He lays back on the bed, panting.Magnus kisses his chest before curling into him, and even though Alec is hot and sweaty and Magnus isn’t helping, he just curls an arm around him. 

“I miss sex,’ Magnus huffs.“Not just for me, but.I can’t fuck you, I can’t eat you out, I can’t even kiss you too much because literally anything besides peppermint makes me nauseous. I miss making you feel good and I miss being close with you.”

Alec kisses Magnus’s head.“Well, it was still pretty good from where I’m laying,” he says.His heart breaks a little for Magnus.Even when getting engaged, the cancer is interfering with them being completely happy.Alec never agreed with Magnus’s reasoning, but he kind of gets why Magnus wanted to delay their engagement.

“You’re sweet,” Magnus says, eyes flickering shut.They fall asleep tangled with each other. 

~

“Hi, fiancé,” Alec says when he wakes up.

Magnus grins at him wide, kissing him quickly.They spend the morning pressed together, basking in each other’s presence.Eventually, Alec has to get up to pee, and when he comes back, he’s clutching his phone.“Can we tell them _now?”_ he huffs.

Magnus waves grandly.“Go ahead,” he says, as if he isn’t just as excited to share their news. 

Alec bites his lip adorably as he cocks his head, considering.“How should we do it?” 

Magnus takes his hand; twining their fingers together.They’d both slept in their rings; it had felt right.The angle is a little awkward, but the rings look perfect next to each other.“There,” he says.Alec grins and takes a picture.

There’s a group chat with all of their friends.Alec simply uploads the picture without comment. 

After only a few seconds, both of their phones start buzzing.He settles back against Alec’s broad chest.Alec wraps his arms around him, bringing his phone in front of them.They watch the reactions come in together.

_!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_ is Clary’s helpful comment.Magnus does feel bad for a moment—he wasn’t kidding when he told Alec he thought it was a little tacky to announce their engagement on the day of Jace’s and Clary’s wedding—but she follows it up with a _OH MY GOD CONGRATS!!!!!_ Izzy follows with another all caps message, and Simon sends them five copies of the ring emoji.Considering their weird friend group, it’s a pretty positive reaction, altogether.It’s certainly a lot more fun telling people you’re engaged than it is telling people you have cancer. 

Two days later, Magnus plays with his ring while they wait in the lobby for an appointment with Dr. Hwang.Ever since Alec put it on his finger, it’s become a touch stone of sorts.Today is the big appointment: they’ll find out whether the chemo is working.Magnus knows that realistically, he’ll probably have to have surgery, but he’s hoping for a miracle.He wants Dr. Hwang to smile and say the chemo has rid him of the cancer entirely.

Reality, as it usually does when Alec isn’t involved, fails to live up to his expectations. 

Dr. Hwang looks at them sympathetically.“Your tumor has failed to respond to the treatment.You’ll need surgery as soon as possible to remove it before it can metastasize.There’s an opening the day after tomorrow.”

Two days from now.It’s all happening so fast.

“And what if you can’t get it all?” Alec asks.His hand is trembling around Magnus’s.

“Then, I’m afraid there won’t be any treatment options available,” Dr. Hwang says softly.

The next day passes in a blur.He lets Alec tell all of their friends, who promise they’ll all be there.Magnus is glad, not for himself so much as for Alec.Alec will need people there if. . . If.

In the dark of the night before the surgery, his face half obscured by his pillow, Alec is hard to see.He strokes Magnus’s face.“You’re going to be fine.”

Magnus swallows.“But what if I’m not?”

Magnus hates how small his voice sounds.Since their big blow up a few weeks ago, he and Alec have been a lot more open with each other, but this is the one question they’ve been dancing around all these months.Magnus has pushed through and pushed it aside, because that’s what he has always done. 

But now, on the eve before the day everything could change for better or for worse, everything is bubbling to the surface. 

“Hey,”Alec strokes his face.“You will be.I promise.Have I ever lied to you?”

Magnus laughs, and it comes out wet.“ _Yes._ All the time.You told me for months that soul patch was sexy.”

Alec laughs too.His eyes glisten.“Okay, but I’ve never lied about the important stuff.And in my defense, I think anything looks good on you.” 

Magnus reaches out, takes Alec’s hand in his.“Alec, I need to tell you—“  
  
“Magnus,” he bites.

“No, I need to do this.”Magnus closes his eyes, blinking back tears.If it’s the last thing Magnus does—and it very well could be—he wants Alexander Lightwood to know how special he is.“You are the most amazing person I’ve ever met.You’re brilliant, funny, gorgeous, and so, so _kind._ You’ve been the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me, and I don’t tell you that enough.” 

“Magnus,” he repeats.Alec is crying for real now. 

There’s so much more Magnus wants to tell Alec, but he knows Alec isn’t going to hear it right now.So instead, Magnus tells him the most important thing. “I love you so, so much,” Magnus replies. 

~

Neither of them sleep that night.

Instead, they lay side by side, intertwined and silent.They’ve said everything that needs to be said.

Magnus has to be at pre-op first thing in the morning, so they leave before the sun is up.They sit in the Uber in continued silence, despite their driver’s efforts to chat.When he realizes their destination is the hospital, he stops trying to engage them.

The pre-op is a hurry up and wait shuffling from place to place, and paperwork to paperwork.Eventually, they find themselves in a small room closed off by a curtain, where a nurse shoves a hospital gown at Magnus.Magnus strips out of his shirt and pants slowly, slipping into the hospital gown. He folds his clothes neatly, placing them in the overnight bag he brought. 

Alec folds his long body in the uncomfortable chair next to the bed as nurses and doctors flow in and out.They start Magnus on a saline drop, hooking it up to his PICC line, and the anesthesiologist gives them an idea of what to expect before Dr. Marcus, the stern, unsmiling older man that will be doing Magnus’s surgery, makes his appearance. He has a sea of residents behind him, eagerly scribbling on their clipboards, and Alec feels a little bit like an animal in a zoo.Finally, everyone clears out; a single nurse lingers behind to tell them to say their goodbyes.

Alec stares at Magnus’s face, trying to memorize every detail: his weirdly triangular eyebrows, his cute button nose, his sparkling eyes.“I’ll see you after, okay?”

Magnus nods.“I love you.”

He cups Magnus’s cheeks and kisses his forehead.“I love you too.So much.”

Magnus pulls his overnight bag—slung over Alec’s shoulder—to him as he rifles through it and releases it back to Alec.He pulls out a silver chain Alec hasn’t seen before and slides his engagement ring off and onto the chain, pressing them both gently in Alec’s hand.“Keep it safe for me?Someone very precious gave it to me, you know.”

He swallows, squeezing Magnus’s hand. “Of course.”

As the surgical team wheels Alec away, a nurse, gentle but firm, pushes Alec out of the pre-op area.He wonders through the halls dazedly, following the signs for the waiting room.When he finally enters the surgery waiting room, he feels a little bit of relief: the whole group—Jace and Clary, Izzy and Lydia, Ragnor and Catarina, and Raphael and Simon—has claimed an island of chairs in the middle of the room.He settles in the empty chair between Jace and Izzy, and they both immediately wrap their arms around him. 

He shudders, breathing deep into his hands as his siblings and their loved ones surround him.“He’ll be okay,” he says, mostly to himself. 

Jace nods. “You know it, man.”

“Hey, look, Jane the Virgin is on!” Simon crows, turning up the tv.“C’mon, Alec, you’ll love this show.”

The morning passes slowly as Alec’s family makes forced happy chatter around him.The hospitality desk gave Alec a pager in case the surgical team needs to reach him with updates, but even though he’s clenching it in a death grip, he’s not expecting anything anytime soon.The surgeons had explained to them that this would take several hours minimum.Alec is starting to think about lunch—he’s not remotely hungry, but he’s not going to make everyone starve because of him—when Clary squeaks “oh, _God_.”

“Clary?” Jace asks, immediately by her side.

“I think. . .I think my water just broke.”

There’s a flurry of activity as Jace stands her up and steers her towards the hall.Catarina, who works in the peds ward, points Clary and Jace in the direction of the labor ward.Simon trails immediately, but Raphael hesitates.Simon looks back at him questioningly.“Magnus. . .” Raphael trails off.

Izzy sighs, pinching her nose.“Okay, Simon, go with Jace and Clary.Everyone else, stay here. Alec,” she pivots, “I’m going to go with Jace and Clary _just_ until Jocelyn and Luke get here, and then I’ll be back.It’ll be way before we know anything about Magnus, okay?If you need me before then, tell Lydia and she’ll call me, okay?”Even though she’s objectively talking to Alec, she directs her question towards Lydia.

Lydia nods and says, “Okay, I know this wildly inappropriate, but I am very attracted to you right now, okay?”

And wow, that was something Alec never needed to hear, but Izzy just grins.“Right back at ya, babe.”

Well, even if it does make Alec a little uncomfortable that his little sister and his closest coworker are hooking up, Alec supposes he’s happy for both of the weirdos. 

Alec waves at Izzy and Simon; Jace and Clary are long gone.“Go.Keep us updated.”

  
Izzy nods, bending down to kiss him on the forehead.“I’ll be back.” 

He feels the absence of his siblings keenly, and for a moment he wishes he hadn’t sent Izzy with Jace and Clary.Ragnor and Raphael and Catarina care about him, but they care about him as an extension of Magnus.So when he hears the click of heels on the floor and looks up to see Lydia settling in the chair beside him, he can’t help but feel relieved.

They sit in silence before he says, “so, you’re dating my sister.”

The rest of the afternoon passes slowly.Alec _knows_ that the surgery will take all day, but he still can’t fight a sense of foreboding as the hours tick down.Izzy does reappear eventually, bringing a Fray-Wayland baby update.“Luke and Jocelyn are with them; it shouldn’t be much longer.Clary’s handling it like a champ; she’s doing way better than Jace.”

Eventually, their phones buzz collectively—a new message is in the group chat from Simon.There’s no baby to be seen; it’s just a picture Luke & Jocelyn hugging each other with the words _proud grandparents! You’ll have to come up yourself to see the bb. ;)_ underneath.

“Girl or boy, you think?” Alec asks Izzy.Clary and Jace hadn’t found out the sex, wanting to be surprised.

“Girl, I think,” Izzy replies.

Alec snorts.“Yeah, that’s what they said about me, too.”

Before Izzy can reply, the pager goes off in Alec’s hand.“What does that mean?” Lydia asks.

“It means they have an update.”

He marches to the counter, their little group following behind.The nurse at the hospitality counter looks at them sympathetically, and says “the surgeon would like to see you in one of the family rooms.I’m sorry, but only two people are allowed.”Alec’s heart sinks as he tugs Izzy behind him.He doesn’t feel like going in the private room means anything good.

Dr. Marcus has bags underneath his eyes that weren’t there in the morning.He sighs as Alec and Izzy settle in front of him.“It was more complicated than we anticipated—”

_No._

“He had severe bone erosion, and we had to take a good portion of his hip muscles and pelvic bone—“

_No no no._

“He’ll have to have more chemo—“

_Please._

_“_ To get anything we missed, and his recovery is going to be extensive.But we’re pretty certain we got it all.” 

Alec’s heart stops and starts again.“Wait, what?”

Dr. Marcus smiles, and it transforms his entire body.“After another round of chemo and some pretty heavy physical therapy, he should be okay.”

“Thank you, doctor,” Izzy says.She can obviously tell Alec has lost the plot.They talk between them about logistics—Magnus is being transferred to the ICU, and it will be a while before he’s set up where Alec can see him—but Alec barely hears it.All he can think _he’s okay.Magnus is going to be okay._ At some point, Dr. Marcus leaves, and Izzy keeps stroking his back. 

“Iz,” he eventually says, “Do you want to go see the baby?” 

“Yeah, come on, let’s go.”

Alec shakes his head.“I’ll catch up in a little bit.I just, I just need a little time to myself to process.”Izzy looks at him carefully, and she must decide he isn’t about to have a complete breakdown, because she nods and squeezes his shoulder before gently rising and shutting the door behind her. 

Alec focuses on breathing in and out. _Magnus is going to be okay._ In and out.

By the time he emerges, the waiting room is empty.He feels relived that Izzy had shepherded everyone else away too, but then Alec looks at his phone and realizes almost an hour has passed. As Alec makes his way slowly to the maternity ward, not feeling like he’s totally in his body, he thinks about how much happier the maternity wing is.The bland beige walls fade into a sunny yellow, and the nurse he asks for directions from seems much cheerier than those in the pre-op ward.

Clary and Jace are squashed in the small bed together, curled towards each other like parentheses.The baby is no where to be seen, and they’re so absorbed in each other that they don’t even notice Alec standing in the door.He knows the feeling well, and he feels every floor between him and Magnus being tended to in the ICU.“Hey,”he says, leaning in the doorway.

They look up at him, simultaneously smiling.They both look exhausted with dark circles under their eyes; he imagines he probably looks about the same.Even without the long day they’ve all had, there’s something about just stepping into the hospital that saps your energy. 

“How is he?” Clary asks.She snorts.“There was this nurse that kept giving Jace a hard time; she read him the riot act because he was checking his phone while his wife was in labor.He got really bitchy with her and told her his brother-in-law was in surgery to remove his cancer.He was way more of a drama queen during the labor than I was.”

Alec can’t believe there was a time that he didn’t like Clary.“I can believe that.”He pauses, and then says, “he, uh.He’s good.They’ll probably have to do another round of chemo to kill anything they missed, but, uh.They said they got most of it, so he should be okay after a lot of recovery.”To his embarrassment, his voice is growing thick with tears. Jace is suddenly in his space, and Alec leans against his brother, trembling.Jace’s arms wrap around him, and he squeezes his eyes tight as a few tears escape.

“Hey, that’s great man.It’s been a good day.”

He sniffs, pulling away from Jace and wiping his eyes.Clary and Jace are watching him, concerned, but he can’t bring himself to care.“Yeah,” and then again, more quietly, “yeah.”

“Jace, why don’t you take Alec to see her?”Clary pipes up from the bed. 

“Yeah! C’mon, man,” Jace says, tugging Alec out of the room so quickly he barely has time to say goodbye to Clary.Jace pulls him confidently down the hallway as if he’s made this journey a thousand times, even though it’s been a few hours.They draw to a window, and Jace grows still and almost reverent.On the other side of the glass, tiny cradles hold babies swathed in pale pink and blue blankets.Jace points to a little girl, fuzzy flower headband wrapped around her tiny head.Alec vaguely remembers Luke knitting it one night he and Magnus had been at Jace and Clary’s.

“Angela Elizabeth Fray-Wayland,” Jace whispers.

“She’s beautiful, man.”Alec is a little choked up, despite himself.“I can’t believe I’m an uncle.”

Jace laughs.“Imagine how I feel.”

Eventually, Alec checks his phone and realizes Magnus must be ready for visitors, and not even his beautiful niece can keep him from seeing Magnus.He hugs Jace one last time and makes his way to the the hallway that wraps around the ICU.Each room has its own door to the hallway, like a hotel, and there’s a recliner outside each door.Families are camped out in them, many obviously for the long haul; he passes several people with pillows, blankets, and snacks. 

When he reaches Magnus’s room, he stands outside, breathing deeply, before pushing his way inside. 

There’s a nurse standing next to Magnus’s bed.She’s a tiny, middle-aged blonde woman; she smiles at Alec in a way that makes him think she’s someone’s mom.“Hi; I’m Sarah.I’m Magnus’s nurse for this shift.You’re family?”

“Yeah.”He looks at Magnus.Alec thought he’d be awake and talking, maybe a bit confused like those videos of kids coming home from the dentist.Instead, Magnus lays propped up on the bed.His eyes are shut, and his mouth is covered by a thick tube that’s connected to a machine that clicks and hisses.He only has one IV-the same port he’s had for months now—but it’s hooked up to an alarming number of bags on the IV stand.He’s lying so still; it’s unnatural. Magnus is always in constant motion.He looks _dead,_ and Alec wants to throw up at the thought. 

He looks at the nurse helplessly.“Why isn’t he awake?”

The nurse smiles at him sympathetically.“We still have him sedated.When surgeries like his go on for so long, fluid collects in the lungs.It’s normal, but there’s a risk of pneumonia.That’s why we have him propped up and on the ventilator; the vent will breathe for him right now and get the fluid out of his lungs.Once his breathing is a little clearer—probably sometime tomorrow night, we’ll take him off the vent and gradually wake him up.” 

“Oh.”He focuses on the rise and fall of Magnus’s chest, driven by the machine. 

Sarah clears her throat, and Alec’s eyes snap back to her.She gestures to the white board on the wall, pointing at a number.“You’re welcome to sleep outside, of course, but we won’t be waking him up until the morning, at least.You can call the number on the board anytime for an update if you’re away.Can I get your number in case we need to reach you?”  
  
Alec obediently rattles off his cell, and Sarah writes it on the board under emergency contact.“And your name and relationship?” she asks, and Alec realizes he never even introduced himself.“Sorry, uh.Alec.I’m his fiance.”Despite the seriousness of the situation, his heart still beats faster when he says _fiance._ He plays with his ring absentmindedly, and he can feel the cool metal of Magnus’s where it rests against his chest. 

Sarah smiles at him.“Congratulations.And what a wedding present.”

“Yeah,” he swallows.“Yeah.I’m . . .I don’t think it’s sunk in that he’s going to be okay.” 

“That’s understandable.I’ll give you some time alone with him, but if you need anything, just page me.”

“Thank you,” he mutters as she leaves. His attention is already back on Magnus.He settles in the uncomfortable chair beside the bed, and strokes Magnus’s hand.“We have a niece, Magnus.She’s beautiful.I can’t wait for you to see her.”

One by one, their family and friends wonder in and out, talking to Magnus and squeezing his hand.Alec never moves from beside the bed, and he never stops talking.He drifts to sleep for a little bit in the middle of the night, but despite how exhausted Alec is, between the bright lights of the ICU, Sarah entering and exiting every hour, and the hiss and click of all the machines monitoring Magnus’s vitals, he doesn’t stay asleep for long. Even when Sarah tries to shoo him home for a shower early in the morning before the end of his shift, he stays. 

When Sarah returns for her night shift again that night, she sighs when she sees him still glued to the chair.“Fools in love,” she mutters. But, true to her word, she extubates Magnus.She kicks Alec out into the hallway for the process, but he can hear Magnus choking and gagging on the other side of the door. 

He’s still not awake when Alec reenters, but Sarah promises him he’ll wake gradually as the sedative wears off.

And, hours later, when Alec sees those brown eyes flicker open, he cries.They’re the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (im lazy and/or shameless and used sarah from kdil as magnus's nurse)


	10. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Happily ever after.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it, folks! Thank you so, so much to everyone who commented and left kudos.
> 
> (also, a personal update--My mom had to have two more surgeries, but she's home and actually doing really well!)

The day that the PICC line is removed is the day that it finally sinks in: this nightmare is _over._ The nurses clap for Magnus as he leaves, and he can’t stop touching the crook of his elbow where there’s no longer a tube hanging out and pinching his skin.Even though Magnus is still limping and walking with a cane, still not up to full speed after his surgery, it’s a beautiful day, and he wants to walk, hand in hand with his fiancé. Their route takes them past the Courthouse, and Magnus stops dead in his tracks.

“Alec,” he says. 

“I thought you wanted a big wedding with everyone,” Alec responds, following his gaze. 

Magnus smiles at him hesitantly.“There’s no reason we can’t have both, right?”  


Alec rolls his eyes fondly.“You’re ridiculous.Let’s do this.”

The clerk smiles fondly at them as they eagerly fill out and apply for their license.When Magnus asks about an officiant` , however, she raises an eyebrow.“You boys want to get married today?What’s the rush?”

Magnus looks down.“We’ve been engaged for awhile, but I was just declared cancer free.We thought it was the right time.”He’s gives her his puppy dog look, and even though Alec _knows_ Magnus deliberately uses that look to get his way—Alec’s had it used on him enough—he still squeezes Magnus's hand.The clerk eyes Magnus’s cane and bald head under his head wrap, and her face softens.“Of course,” she says.“You’ll need a waiver, but.”She leans forward, sagging skin jiggling, and whispers, “Judge Arnos is an old softie.Wait right here.”

There’s no one else in line to be married; it’s a Wednesday afternoon, after all. 

It feels wrong, to take his ring off; he and Alec have rarely removed them since their mutual proposal.But it does feel right to press it into Alec’s hand to hold until it’s time for Alec to put it on his finger for real.

“Izzy’s going to kill us,” Alec says.But he can’t stop grinning.

Neither can Magnus.He’s never felt so alive. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on tumblr at ohlafraise.

**Author's Note:**

> [Join me on Tumblr! ](http://ohlafraise.tumblr.com/) Kudos mean the world to me.


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